And somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
The secret to a long marriage in two words: designated toilets.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) March 23, 2021
Husband just called me “Orville RUDEnbacher” because I refused to share my popcorn with him.— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) March 23, 2021
My husband thinks he can just add random items to my junk drawer and I’m like HELLO THERE IS AN APPROVAL PROCESS— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 31, 2021
I told the wife I wanted to do something dirty so she handed me the Easy Off, and said clean the oven.— Forward March (@RunOldMan) March 26, 2021
My dog just yawned while my husband was talking to him and I totally get it.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 29, 2021
marriage is still choosing to sleep next to someone every night even though they try to tell you how to drive and load the dishwasher correctly which makes my husband a saint— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 26, 2021
My wife said she didn’t want coffee this morning and now I’m questioning everything about my marriage.— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) March 30, 2021
Your kids are the cutest when they're sleeping. And your wife misses you the most when you're out having fun with your friends. It's science.— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) March 28, 2021
There should be a carnival game where people have to find something in my wife’s purse.— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) March 31, 2021
Me: Are you in a bad mood?— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 29, 2021
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me: I knew it.
my wife: hey babe, are you ok? Did someone hurt your feelings?— lucy bexley 🛼🪐🦔 (@bexley_lucy) April 2, 2021
me: what makes you ask?
my wife: you’re listening to a lot of Taylor Swift. Like A LOT.
I wish happy pictures on social media had truthful behind-the-scenes captions: “Called kid a dumbass 2 minutes before this pic was taken” or “argued with spouse for the entire drive to this destination because he got me the wrong burrito filling at Chipotle"— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 2, 2021
If it's Friday and your wife leaves the tape measure out, cancel your weekend plans.— dADDisms (@Beagz) April 2, 2021
My husband just enthusiastically shushed me so that he could watch a 10 minute video on making sourdough bread, so yeah, I guess you can say we take part in foreplay.— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) April 2, 2021
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) March 28, 2021
I’m your wife. You might remember from such hits as Did You Fix the Washer Yet and its sequel Why Haven’t You Fixed the Washer.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 25, 2021
Sometimes I like to torture my wife by forcing her to watch Dr. Pimple Popper with me while eating dinner 😂👀— TitsforTat 🏳️🌈 (@magicalchaos14) March 26, 2021
Went to pay for my Starbucks in the drive-thru & the barista said “the handsome man behind you is going to pay for yours!” I look back & say “oh! that’s my husband!”— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 29, 2021
She said “that’s so sweet! You’re lucky!” & then my son hollered “yeah you don’t live with him!”
Kids are fun.
[packing for camping trip]— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) March 28, 2021
Me: I have the tents, lanterns, stove, sleeping bags, matches, cooler, and first aid kit. I think we’re ready.
Wife: How many throw pillows should I take?
Heartwarming! My husband and my dog are having a competition to see who can be the most disruptive and loud during my work zoom meeting. ♥️♥️♥️— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) March 29, 2021
Pro Tip: When making dinner or cleaning up after dinner, ALWAYS make as much noise as possible so your spouse knows they are sitting on their lazy ass while you are working!— Amish PornStar™ (@AmishPornStar1) April 1, 2021
Husband: Have you seen my hair clippers?— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 1, 2021
Me: *styling my dog’s mohawk* Nope.
[holding my wife’s phone and typing on my phone]: You left your phone at home.— Phil (@geowizzacist) March 30, 2021
[my wife’s phone]: ding!
[text]— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 24, 2021
Me: Sex tonight?
Husband, “Why are you so dressed up? It’s just Walmart.”— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) March 29, 2021
Me, “I am getting my second vaccine!!”
Husband, “But it’s still Walmart.”
Me, smoothing the ruffles on my dress, “I said what I SAID.”