And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 24 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
I’m your wife. You might remember me from such hits as “I’m not hungry” and its sequel “Are you going to finish that?”— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 8, 2022
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 17, 2022
I can be in the living room and somehow still be in my wife's way in the kitchen.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) March 12, 2022
my wife: can we talk about something?— lucy bexley 🧃 (@bexley_lucy) March 14, 2022
me: what is it in regards to?
my wife: your coffee intake
You know you've been married too long when your 'husband's junk' refers to his shit in the garage.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) March 19, 2022
Me: I am strong and competent and able to handle any challenge thrown at me.— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) March 13, 2022
Also me: *calls my husband because a bee keeps aggressively chasing me out of the kitchen*
He died the way he lived, telling his wife JUST PICK A RESTAURANT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD— ADHDean (@ADHDeanASL) March 20, 2022
My wife has no intention of ever sharing her blanket and yet every morning she asks me to help her spread it over the entire bed— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 9, 2022
Wife is back from her trip and is upset at all the dishes in the sink, but at least they're not in the dishwasher incorrectly.— Forward March (@RunOldMan) March 14, 2022
I hope that my husband retires the same way as Tom Brady did. You know... goes back to work after 40 days.— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) March 14, 2022
My husband called my bluff today :( I asked him to do something and he said he would in a bit so I said "Fine, I'll do it myself 👀." And he said, "Okay, good luck 👍."— Farzana Banana (@FarzanaAlMauzah) March 14, 2022
Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.— mariana Z🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦 (@mariana057) March 16, 2022
When we legalized gay married I had no idea it meant that one day I’d have to slip into the bathroom with my husband in the middle of a party to swap outfits because “I just realized that would look cuter on me.”— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) March 20, 2022
i’m just assuming my husband and children all walked past the cat puke instead of cleaning it up so that they wouldn’t rob me of the full experience of being a wife and mom— 🇺🇸E.🇺🇸 (@YourMomsucksTho) March 16, 2022
*me showing my wife my muscles: Do you see my definition?— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) March 10, 2022
My wife: oh yeah, right next to the word asshole.
My wife said "Sometimes you can be so lazy," and then she walked out of the room.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) March 16, 2022
I looked at our dog and said "Go find out which one of us she's talking about."
I told my husband I want a new TV for our anniversary and he looked so confused. He said “Is this a test because it really feels like a test?”— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 8, 2022
I’ve never meditated. The closest I’ve come to thinking about nothing for 30 minutes is the time my husband talked about his fantasy football league.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 10, 2022
Me *yawns*: Tired?— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 8, 2022
Wife *yawns*: No we can *yawns* do it
-married people foreplay
Wife:(on phone)"Can you pick up deodorant??"— mariana Z🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦 (@mariana057) March 11, 2022
Me:(on phone)"I guess I will make a..pit stop.."
My husband likes to do the dishes every day because it’s “warm 🙂” and lord I hope he never finds out there are other sources of heat.— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) March 16, 2022
my wife gradually seizing control in our relationship by asking if I checked all the doors and windows each time we back out of the driveway— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 9, 2022
I told my wife she missed a spot while vacuuming, just before it became my permanent job.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 11, 2022
Wife: You ate the last cookie didn’t you?— Yard Dad (@IAmYardDad) March 18, 2022
Me: I will not be a target for your conspiracy theories