And somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My wife ate the last donut this morning so I went in her car and readjusted the driver's seat and mirrors.— Forward March (@RunOldMan) March 11, 2021
I can’t take my husband to IKEA because he uses their computers for designing couches to make sectionals that spell “POOP.”— Betty (@EzMacArt) March 19, 2021
Husband: What’s in the Amazon package?— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 17, 2021
Me: It’s a surprise.
H: You forgot what you ordered?
Me: I forgot what I ordered.
My husband asleep in a chair for the last 58 minutes will wake up within a split second of me changing the channel and yell "I WAS WATCHING THAT!"— Felicia (@LostFelicia) March 14, 2021
My wife just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your night going?— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 15, 2021
My husband eating the bread ends like some kind of superhero. Taking one for the team.— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) March 10, 2021
[If I break something]— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 10, 2021
My husband: How did this happen? What did you do? Why did you do it that way? You've really got to be more careful.
[If my husband breaks something]
My husband: That thing was a piece of junk.
dating: "if I could change one thing about you, I wouldn't"— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 9, 2021
married: "your feet are gross"
Went to the grocery store to pick up a few things and only had to call my wife seven times.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 19, 2021
You can send all the flowers or write all the romantic poetry you want but until you pretend to be asleep when your wife farts loud enough to register on a Richter scale, you know nothing of real romance— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) March 20, 2021
Husband: I have an eyelash in my eye.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 15, 2021
Me: Want me to blow on it?
Me: *accidentally spits my gum into his eye*
Secret to a successful marriage is to marry the one who matches your values, principles and thermostat settings— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 16, 2021
I guess we’re in our 30s because we just got a new vacuum and my husband and I are fighting over who gets to use it first.— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) March 20, 2021
It’s so cute how my husband thinks when he’s putting things “away” it’s where they actually belong— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) March 10, 2021
My wife just pronounced Pokémon like “pokey man” and that was more dad than anything I’ve ever done.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 20, 2021
I just want my wife to look at me the way she looks at a Target ad.— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) March 18, 2021
I’ve started charging my wife for finding things for her that are in plain sight— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 20, 2021
When my wife wants to mess with me she'll say "Guess what today is?"— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) March 19, 2021
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we'd probably do to each other if we weren't so tired and achy.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 9, 2021
My husband asked me to go get him a socket wrench. Who does he think I am? Bob the Builder?— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 15, 2021
My husband hid the rest of the Doritos because I asked him to.— MumInBits (@MumInBits) March 21, 2021
First of all, what the fuck.
My husband can nap at will. He can just close his eyes and decide to take a nap for 3333.3 hours and then still sleep through the night. But when I try to nap my body is like, yeah no, you slept for 4.5 hours last night so you've met your quota for the day.— The Evolving Arm (@leftarmisme) March 21, 2021
My husband texted me that he missed me while he was out of town, so I texted him back about the thing he was supposed to do weeks ago in caps to make him feel more like he was home— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) March 16, 2021
Accidentally fell asleep under a pile of blankets on the couch and woke up a series of texts from my wife saying, “where are you?”— lucy bexley 🛼🪐🦔 (@bexley_lucy) March 19, 2021
wife: I'm throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) March 21, 2021
me: isn't that– are you sure it's broken?