Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow the husbands and wives of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or fewer.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the last two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Times I’ve seen my husband cry:
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 15, 2020
1. Our wedding
2. The birth of our children
3. The time I mowed the grass too short
Marriage is having separate tubes of toothpaste because your spouse squeezes it wrong
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 5, 2020
My wife managed to open a jar of pickles herself and I am now nonessential.
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) May 6, 2020
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) May 13, 2020
Husband: It was actually a
piece of yarn.
Me: A huge, scary piece of yarn.
I thought clear communication was important in a marriage. Yet somehow, saying "Yep, you told me that 214 times already" makes ME the villain.
— Aunt Chelle 😷 ☕️ (@ravenswng_) May 14, 2020
I just asked my husband what he’s up to today and he responded “none of your business” so quarantine is going well
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) May 16, 2020
My husband hasn’t turned his TV off in 2 months but he’s gonna gripe at me for not turning out a light when I leave the room, yeah okay.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) May 15, 2020
Wife [in fridge]: Do you know where the turkey bacon went?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 16, 2020
Me: No idea. [garbage disposal noises]
Listen: I just found out that my husband eats spaghetti with a spoon so I can’t listen to your problems right now.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) May 15, 2020
Don’t worry I’m used to having a meat shortage, my wife said hilariously
— Swim Jeans👖 (@ShortSleeveSuit) May 7, 2020
A big part of marriage is asking your wife "Is this recyclable?"
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) May 12, 2020
[wife hands me present]
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) May 12, 2020
me: aww what's this for
wife: just because
me: [opens present, swarm of murder hornets come out]
wife: BECAUSE U DIDN'T TAKE OUT THE TRASH
My husband just said, "Okey dokey, Artichokey," and now I'm wondering if anyone can recommend a good divorce lawyer.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) May 9, 2020
Im not saying your marriage isn’t strong, I’m just saying I brought home ice cream with raisins in it, and she let it slide.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) May 14, 2020
When my husband does a chore without me asking. pic.twitter.com/PYBs28yOFB
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) May 15, 2020
Even when food is heaven on Earth
— Teri Daniels (@bylinetd) May 7, 2020
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Wife: What’s burning?
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) May 6, 2020
Me: I’m making a grilled cheese
Wife: You know you’re supposed to use bread, right?
Me: I’m going low carb
Wife: That’s an entire block of cheddar
Me: PROTEINNNNNN
My husband has his headphones on so I like to start talking about every 10 minutes so that he has to take them off to hear me only to have me say, nevermind it wasn't that important.
— The Evolving Arm (@leftarmisme) May 15, 2020
Me: *grimaces*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2020
Wife: What's wrong?
Me: *remembering something embarrassing I did when I was 9* Stubbed my toe.
My wife: Have you eaten today?
— Lucy Bexley 🏳️🌈 (@bexley_lucy) May 14, 2020
Me: Yup!
My wife: That's great! What did you have?
Me: An entire family of Sour Patch kids.
My wife: Nope.
If I had to pick my favorite thing about marriage, it would be my wife scolding me for doing the same thing I watched her do only 5 minutes ago.
— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) May 12, 2020
My husband is cooking something with fish sauce and it was making me nauseous so he lit a candle and now it smells like fish sauce and a Hollister
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) May 12, 2020
There was one mozzarella stick left so I told my wife she could have it because I love her, and they tasted funky.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) May 16, 2020
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 11, 2020
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Dear husband: why do you rip off too much tp and hang the rest on top of the roll instead of just not taking too much to begin with? pic.twitter.com/aHA8jaTvLD
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 15, 2020
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