Below, we present 40 of the funniest and most relatable marriage tweets of 2017.
I'm secretly doing an investigation on how many decorative pillows I can put around the house till husband loses his shit.— mama77⚽️ (@deegeemindi) April 13, 2017
wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 16, 2017
wife: What temperature?
wife: That's the clock
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?— brent (@murrman5) October 24, 2017
Dear Abby,— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) October 5, 2017
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget— Michael would like Nazis kicked off of this site. (@Home_Halfway) February 21, 2017
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF— Lady Lawya 🎄 (@Parkerlawyer) October 15, 2017
Wife: How many times have I told you NOT to use my face moisturizer as body lotion?— PunchyK (@AnkCoupleTO) April 19, 2017
Me: *skin absolutely glowing* is this a trick question?
Don't marry someone before you see them step on a Lego.— Jay (@theshamingofjay) May 9, 2017
Me: We got invited to two parties this weekend.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 20, 2017
Wife: Wow. We finally have friends.
Me: We’re skipping both, right?
My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.— bubble girl (@JessObsess) June 20, 2017
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*— not the WORST mom 🤔 (@nottheworstmom) November 26, 2017
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown*— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 5, 2017
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35
Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 23, 2017
Husband: you walk really loud.— Wendy (@_wendyb07) June 29, 2017
Anyway, marriage is fun.
Still waiting for my husband to apologize for what he did in my dream last night.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) January 28, 2017
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) October 28, 2017
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) April 5, 2017
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, "Breathe the other way".— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 20, 2017
"You see, when a man loves a woman very, very much, he makes her coffee," I explain to my kids while looking at my husband.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) February 17, 2017
[Me, on my deathbed]— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 23, 2017
Wife: Is that what you're going to wear?
Hubs, "Are you going to drink that entire bottle of wine?"— Lady Lawya 🎄 (@Parkerlawyer) July 6, 2017
Me, "You didn't marry no quitter."
Hubs, nodding, "My Queen."
I love my husband, but no matter where we are I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens he gets murdered first.— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) July 14, 2017
wife: I told you not to wear it in the shower— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 27, 2017
me [holding a soggy Burger King crown] I don't need a lecture right now
Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 2, 2017
*walking into store*— 🎄Sarcastic Mommy🎄 (@sarcasticmommy4) September 17, 2017
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I'm just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*
Marriage level: Expert
Until I got married I didn't even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) January 17, 2017
Watching out the window for husband to get home with my wine & this is the adult version of waiting for the ice cream truck— Valerie ❤️s Presents (@ValeeGrrl) March 10, 2017
[Husband 911]— Twin Dad (@TwinSurvivalist) January 3, 2017
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She'll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
911: Good luck
* Click *
Me: the book is so much better— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 17, 2017
Wife [pauses Shrek 3]: can you stop interrupting every 2 minutes
Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 2, 2017
Me: So it's a can't opener?
Wife: I can't believe I married you.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) June 1, 2017
Husband: *choking on a curly fry*— Not Sara (@smithsara79) June 5, 2017
Me: *starts panicking* Oh god, oh my GOD! Did you seriously take my last curly fry?!
The secret to a lasting marriage is knowing no one else would put up with your bullshit.— Myrrh (@ixix82) June 24, 2017
I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 21, 2017
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 28, 2017
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) August 16, 2017
wife: ok [hugs me]
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) August 2, 2017
[text from wife at home]
"Pick that up."
Only marriage can turn a missing spatula into an act of war.— Jersey (@better_off_dad) October 15, 2017
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.— Kate Sidley (@sidleykate) October 21, 2017
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.— Stacey (@skittle624) November 2, 2017