Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life. Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 21 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Me: Hey did you know……
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 15, 2023
Wife: I told you that two days ago, that’s how you know.
Me: makes sense
Husband, day 1 of owning a dog: It’s just a dog.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 22, 2023
Husband, day 2 of owning a dog: We should give the dog a middle name.
My husband told me we were out of BBQ sauce because he couldn’t find it so I went to the fridge & looked behind the milk & OMG it’s a miracle: we’re not out of BBQ sauce.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 21, 2023
I’ve never watched a horror movie so I was just asking my wife about various ones and she couldn’t super remember — until I asked about Scream. She took a huge breath and said “Okay Neve Campbell’s wearing a jean jacket…” and now she’s been going for 30 minutes.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) September 18, 2023
All I want is to live in a house so big that I can’t hear my husband pooping.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) September 16, 2023
*before marriage
— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) September 14, 2023
her: watcha thinking?
*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Husband: I trust you not to eat my food while I go to the bathroom.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 13, 2023
Me: That would be a mistake.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 15, 2023
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I need everybody to be really cool and not tell my husband that I lost my wallet today after just this morning lecturing him about how many times he loses his wallet.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) September 13, 2023
Working from home with your spouse is just each of you trying to look busy when the other one walks by while you’re screwing around.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) September 22, 2023
I listed a record player for sale that I got for my husband years ago for Father’s Day. He has never once used it. Of course, now that I have someone coming to pick it up tomorrow, he decided he wanted to keep it. So I made him buy it off me. He just Venmoed me.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) September 24, 2023
Me: [getting into bed]
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 26, 2023
Wife: I can't get comfortable
Me: sorry. I'm also sorry I'm about to be asleep in under 3 minutes
Wife: I hate you
My husband has been exposed to dangerous rhetoric. He keeps talking about us waking up at 5 AM to workout.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 14, 2023
Wife *from the kitchen*: I love you!!
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 13, 2023
Me *from the living room*: I Love you too!
Wife: That was for our dog, not you
My husband just gave a presentation at this dermatology conference and I didn't understand a damn word he said but it took everything in me not to stand up in the aisle and stage mom him like he was doing Jingle Bell Rock anyway.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) September 16, 2023
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
— Drew (some assembly required) (@dmc1138) September 15, 2023
I just said “Very nice!” in a Borat voice and watched my husband fall in love with me all over again.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 26, 2023
*My kids were roleplaying my wife and I*
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) September 18, 2023
8yo *Being me*: Is this tweet funny? Can I post it?
5yo *Being my wife*: Can you please leave me alone for 5 minutes to drink my coffee?!
A game show where husbands are shown their wives’ shower products without labels and have to name them and describe their function.
— The Dad (@thedad) September 21, 2023
me: I fought the law and the law won
— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) September 22, 2023
wife: you got a speeding ticket, sent an angry email and had to spend four hours in Saturday traffic school, get over it
My husband never says bless you when I sneeze like I’m the mother of his children and he doesn’t even care if evil spirits take over my soul or whatever it’s rude
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) September 25, 2023
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