And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or fewer.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My husband just texted me to bring him a plunger ASAP.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 19, 2020
I should probably do that at some point today.
Wife and I are at that age where 98% of our moans in bed are just from the pain of actually moving.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 23, 2020
Eyes Wide Shut— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 15, 2020
-My husband looking for literally anything anywhere
I have marriage counseling in 10 minutes quick give me a generic list of things I can blame my husband for— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) September 24, 2020
Really good football today so my husband is bringing in tvs from every room and putting them all over our den so now my house looks like a Buffalo Wild Wings.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) September 26, 2020
Just started a whole new box of random cords my wife doesn’t even know about.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 20, 2020
My wife has been getting at least one package delivered to our house every day for the last seven months.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) September 21, 2020
Today something came for me and in a judgmental tone she said "What did you order?"
My husband was in a virtual meeting but I needed something from the desk next to him, so I slid across the floor on my knees but everyone could see me anyway so they all just went quiet to watch me scooting across the floor on my knees and how is this year not over yet?— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) September 21, 2020
marriage or as i like to call it "volume wars"— Dad That Writes ☕ (@dadthatwrites) September 17, 2020
Everyone please pray for my husband who has a small cut on his finger, put skin shield on it and is now complaining that it’s the most painful thing you can ever do. He can’t do this naturally. He needs an epidural.— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) September 22, 2020
My husband used our Vitamix blender to make homemade wallpaper paste. Long story short, I wish him all the best.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) September 26, 2020
Husbands be like, “These are the shirts my wife makes me wear in public and those are the shirts I’ve owned for 20 years that are in various stages of disintegration.“— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 27, 2020
You know you’re married when texts have tit pics followed by how thrilled you are that your kid finally shit in the potty and not his pull up.— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) September 16, 2020
My wife and I are currently researching and planning for an upcoming vacuum purchase if you were wondering how to keep things exciting during these unprecedented times.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 18, 2020
What I said: Can you put your dish away?— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) September 25, 2020
What my husband heard: You can put your dish away if you want or I can sigh heavily and do it myself after three hours of waiting for you to do it.
Anyone saying they’re married to their best friend clearly hasn’t awoken to that “bestie” open mouth snoring directly into their nostrils.— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 19, 2020
That’s weird. My husband’s autocorrect changes “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. You’re right.” into “K.”— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 20, 2020
Going running with my wife is nice because I get to catch up with her but it is horrible for literally every other reason.— lucy bexley 🦇🌈 (@bexley_lucy) September 21, 2020
I’m happy my kids are finally asleep and my husband is working out so I can finally stuff a croissant with chocolate and marshmallows like I have been daydreaming about all day— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 18, 2020
My wife keeps watching some show and talking about how we need to get organized and color coded and why is Netflix trying to ruin my weekends?— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 18, 2020
[assembling furniture]— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 20, 2020
Wife: I found the problem.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 26, 2020
Every time my wife calls me creepy, I remind her that she has a baggie of our children’s baby teeth in her bedside drawer.— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) September 21, 2020
Go!— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 21, 2020
- me, in the car with my husband.
I had no idea that so much of my married life would be spent rearranging the dishwasher.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) September 21, 2020