Somehow the husbands and wives of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or less.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the last two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My wife said we could save some money by Christmas shopping at Marshall’s. I hope our friends like obscure gourmet snacks and almost Yankee Candles.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 14, 2019
My husband rolled over and open mouth snored directly into my eyes last night if you’re wondering how we keep the magic alive.— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) December 11, 2019
I wanted a Douglas Fir and my husband wanted a Scotch Pine so we compromised and got the Douglas fir.— Jingle Bell Jawbreaker 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) December 6, 2019
Dear diary: After being married for 14.5 years. I’m not sure if my wife forgot my name or if she actually thinks it’s “Hey, while You’re Up.”— jdstalnaked Griswold (@jdstalnaked) December 3, 2019
I sent my husband to the store for Miso Paste. An hour later he texted me to see if I could use Rubber Cement instead. He was at The Home Depot.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) December 9, 2019
The other morning I brushed the snow off my husband’s car and topped up his washer fluid before he went to work because fuck your sexist rules— 🎄Vision Bored, Sugar Plum Fairy🎄 (@VisionBored1) December 10, 2019
Me: I don’t like our Chances.— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) December 9, 2019
Wife: Did you name both of our kids Chance just so you could say that?
Me: Yes. Yes I did.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) December 3, 2019
Her husband made decaf coffee that morning— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) December 4, 2019
My wife: Do you want salad or pasta for dinner?— Eman El-husseini (@emanifique) December 6, 2019
Me: Is this a trick question?
me: I don't think it's the right time for us to have kids.— ⚠️maxx⚠️ (@climaxximus) December 3, 2019
wife: I agree and I hope you don't take it personally.
me: sshhh. go now and be free.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.— Momtribevibe 🎄🌲🎄 (@momtribevibe) December 10, 2019
Husband: *leaves for work*— Jingle Bell Jawbreaker 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) December 4, 2019
Me: *untangling Christmas lights*
Husband: *returning from work*
Me: *still untangling Christmas lights*
My husband was in charge of getting paper towels and he brought home the full sheet kind (not select-a-size) and I’m now taking applications for new husbands.— MommyMemeJeans (@mommymemejeans) December 9, 2019
My husband offering me his advent calendar candy is what true love looks like— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) December 8, 2019
My wife is away for a couple of days.— jdstalnaked Griswold (@jdstalnaked) December 10, 2019
The craziest thing I will probably do is pee with the door open.
*hikes to the top of an isolated trail for some peace and quiet*— Just J (@junejuly12) December 10, 2019
*gets text from husband at home asking where his glasses are*
“I love you, but you are disgusting and I won’t kiss you until you wash your face.”— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) December 12, 2019
- Me, to my children or my husband, depending on the day.
I found the couch blanket on the bed again. My husband must think I’m playing. Three strikes and you’re out, buddy.— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) December 4, 2019
Sometimes I like to sit and fondly think about my husband not breathing so loudly.— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) December 7, 2019
I have more than 16,000 photos of my child and husband on my camera phone.— Becky Vieira | Witty Otter (@wittyotter_) December 10, 2019
However, if I’m ever murdered and Dateline does a story, the only photo options of me will be my driver’s license or the blurry picture my child once took of my foot.
Wife *online shopping*: I need your Dick's password.— Jason Dabenigno (@JasonDabenigno) December 4, 2019
Me: For you baby, there is no password, all access, all the time.
Wife: What could I have possibly done in a past life to deserve *this*?
My husband started typing on his phone using only his pinky. Long story short I'm single again.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) December 8, 2019
YELLOW— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 3, 2019
-my wife when I’m driving and a green light turns yellow.
I’m just going to walk around the empty bag of chips on the floor for three days until I get yelled at by my wife— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 13, 2019