And somehow the husbands and wives of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or less.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the last two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My wife gets mad if we put the milk back in the fridge with only one sip left which is weird based on all her 96% empty shampoo bottles.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 14, 2020
Me: It’s the next exit.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 18, 2020
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
My grocery list is just my husband writing down things he thinks we need and me writing down where that thing is already located in our house.— Some Boys' Mother (@someboysmother) January 19, 2020
Establish dominance in your marriage by being the first one to say “what’s for dinner.”— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 22, 2020
My husband declined breadsticks at Olive Garden thank god the bathroom is by the front door so I can ditch this lame ass date— motherducker (@houseandhens) January 22, 2020
Get married and have kids so you can sext your spouse during the day but then end up with a kid or two in your bed all night and no actual sex.— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) January 18, 2020
My wife has eleven different sighs and I have to know what each one means.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) January 26, 2020
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) January 16, 2020
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Sure, Meghan Markle talked a prince into giving up royalty but I got my husband to stop giving me dutch ovens so pretty much same.— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) January 19, 2020
Me: Are you in a bad mood?— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 15, 2020
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG STOP I AM NOT IN A BAD MOOD.
Me: I knew it.
WIFE: i had a weird dream. it was about your ex-wife, and your sister was there.— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) January 17, 2020
ME: okay. let’s keep that to yourself forever.
Get married so your wife can correct your pronounc.. pronun.... prunoon... the way you say things— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 21, 2020
Driving home this evening and the wife just pulled out chocolate from a secret stash in her car.— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) January 19, 2020
I’m asking for a divorce since she didn’t find it necessary to share this glorious idea with me, another woman!
Being married means pretending to care about the life stories of your spouse’s coworkers, when you couldn’t even pick them out of a lineup.— Dad Bits (@DadBits) January 26, 2020
When it's 10am and your husband is still in bed, it is perfectly acceptable to tell your kids there are chocolate bars in his nightstand.— Moderately Mom (@momtribevibe) January 18, 2020
My wife got really mad at me today because I called a plumber to get a quote for a toilet in the living room, pfft like she wouldn't use it.— Forward March (@RunOldMan) January 25, 2020
Husband- There’s no way you could have finished all that cake by yourself— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) January 21, 2020
Me- *tearfully* You have no idea how high I can fly
The problem with insta stories is that when my wife is out of town she can see that I'm wearing her sweater on stage.— jess salomon (@jess_salomon) January 15, 2020
Husband: *Grabs a throw pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) January 23, 2020
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 20, 2020
I'm at the store and my wife texted me to pick her up something called hair nourishing elixir, so I'll be home sometime tomorrow.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) January 15, 2020
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.— Paige Byerly (@paigebyerly) January 26, 2020
My wife called me earlier today to ask me if I wanted to come home for lunch for a “quickie”,I had to politely tell her that I would love to but it’s pronounced “quiche”— Super Mark (@supermarkusa) January 21, 2020
Love is letting your husband have the leftover Cajun chicken Alfredo and also not divorcing him when he drops the whole thing on the floor— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) January 21, 2020
My wife decided her perfect Friday night is 2 glasses of wine and in bed by nine so I guess we now have a catchy motto to live by.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 25, 2020