Me: How do you want your steak cooked?— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 2, 2021
Child: Cook it so it tastes like Chicken McNuggets.
When I picked up my baby my hand made a fart sound in his arm pit so needless to say will be taking our comedy act on the road this summer.— Mom Meh (@mommeh_dearest) June 1, 2021
if you take your kids out to dinner you have to tell them things like they have to keep their clothes on and stop licking the furniture because quarantine turned them into feral cats— That Mom Tho 🏳️🌈 (@mom_tho) May 30, 2021
10-year-old me: When am I ever going to use long division in real life?— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) June 2, 2021
34-year-old-me: (opening daughter's backpack) Oh, you son of a bitch.
Apparently when playing Hide-and-Seek with your kids you’re not allowed to get in the car and drive somewhere else to hide.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 2, 2021
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.— Darla (@ddsmidt) June 2, 2021
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice ... priceless
My daughter got up today wanting to know, “Who decided that days have to start before lunch?” and we should really put 5th graders in charge of more things.— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) June 1, 2021
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) June 3, 2021
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 1, 2021
Oh, you guys are having chips?— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 2, 2021
-our daughter walking into the living room an hour after going to bed.
Shout out to all those parents who can stay calm while their children mix Play-Doh colors.— 𝓜𝓸𝓶’𝓼 𝓸𝓾𝓽 𝓸𝓯 𝓸𝓻𝓭𝓮𝓻 (@Mamaoutoforder) June 1, 2021
6-year-old: How much cheese can I have?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 31, 2021
Me: As much as you want.
6: They don't make that much cheese.
I heard the first “I’m bored” which means 10 more weeks of summer break.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 1, 2021
This morning, my son was trying to get my husband to give him a very early breakfast, when he turned to his little sister and said “quick, say something cute so he’ll say yes.”— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) May 29, 2021
They’re compiling their talents. We’re doomed.
I was out with my sons and my youngest started crying because he wanted a box of tampons thinking it was candy. My middle son yelled, “Those aren’t candy, they’re TAMPONS for Mommy’s WIENER!” My oldest screamed, “Mommy doesn’t have a WIENER she has a VAGINA!”— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) May 31, 2021
Wear a condom.
If you like finding small rocks in your lint trap having kids might be for you— Mom Meh (@mommeh_dearest) June 3, 2021
Of course I want my kids to be smarter than I am, I just want it to happen after they grow up and can no longer use it against me— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) June 3, 2021
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like "Who taped all these balloons to the dog?"— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 2, 2021
“We have to wear pants when we leave the house," I tell my 4yo all-too-frequently, while not believing it myself— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 2, 2021
I just feel parenting would be a lot easier if no one expected me to know where their shoes were— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) May 29, 2021
Made my daughter a sausage, egg and cheese biscuit for breakfast and she said, “This might be my true love,” so I guess 9 may not be too young to discover the secret to happiness.— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) June 3, 2021
Me: You better watch your mouth!— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) June 4, 2021
5yo: I have 2 eyes on top of my head, which is on top of my mouth, so I can't watch it.