Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Never not vacuuming - a parental memoir— Phoni Stark (@Steph_I_Will) January 29, 2019
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 30, 2019
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) February 1, 2019
The difference between an amateur parent & a veteran is knowing to ask, after your child says they’ve showered:— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) January 30, 2019
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me "any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon" & I have not been able to fall back asleep— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) January 26, 2019
Me: Time for bed.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 30, 2019
4-year-old: No, it's not.
Me: You can't tell time.
4: I can tell you're wrong.
Since becoming a parent I’ve really acquired a taste for coffee that’s been reheated 5 times.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) January 30, 2019
4: Mama, I'm not feeling so good.— Caffeine, Chaos & Grace (@cafchaosgrace) January 31, 2019
Me: What's wrong baby girl?
4: I haven't had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Me, the first time my kid tries to help out: oh that’s so nice, thank you— The Dad (@thedad) January 29, 2019
Me, every other time since: ffs pal get out of the dishwasher we need to leave in less than an hour
Sometimes I look at my beautiful 9yo daughter, gazing in awe at this complex creature I created with my own body, and wonder: “How the fuck is she still alive on a diet of bread and fruit snacks?”— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 31, 2019
Teen [on hold]: It says to put in my card number followed by the pound sign.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 31, 2019
Teen: What’s a pound sign?
Me: Ugh. It’s the hashtag symbol.
Teen: THEN WHY DON’T THEY JUST SAY THAT.
Me: This is why no one my age likes anyone your age.
Sometimes I miss having a toddler, but then I hear a toddler throwing a tantrum because “the moon keeps following me!” Then, I think, “ya, I’m good.”— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 30, 2019
10yo: Doing a group project by yourself is the worst!— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 1, 2019
Me: *carrying 300 bags of groceries* Tell me about it.
DAUGHTER: dad, have you ever noticed your fingernails grow at different paces & you can track their growth over time to determine the speed of each one? my right ring finger is the fastest of mine with my left pinky a close 2nd— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) January 30, 2019
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Physically I’m helping my kid with her math homework, but mentally I’m sitting on the beach in Tahiti enjoying my second Mai Tai.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 31, 2019
After 4 years of not even mentioning maple syrup, I just introduced it to the kids on a whim this morning and my god WHAT HAVE I DONE?— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) January 30, 2019
[Dentist trip]— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) February 1, 2019
ME: You did amazing
4: *proudly* I got a princess thing in my mouth.
4: it’s silver...
ME: lol, a crown!
4: Yes, a princess crown.
My vision board is just a picture of me sleeping.— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) January 28, 2019
I can’t talk to other parents. It always feels like they’re just trying to “one-up” my struggles:— Jessica (@MrsFant_Sea) January 29, 2019
I have 2 kids
They have 7
Mine are only 15 months apart
They had triplets
I only got 4 hours of sleep
They had 30 minutes
My kid had colic
Theirs is an actual foghorn
Kids are great if you need more love in your life and scuffs on your walls.— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) January 27, 2019