Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
The day your kids stop waking up early on the weekend is the same day your body stops letting you sleep in.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 3, 2019
Having four kids is a great way to get four different opinions on why what you’re cooking for dinner is the worst.— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) March 4, 2019
“WTF IS THIS?”— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) March 4, 2019
- an important excerpt from the book of Parenthood
My 3-year-old woke me up at 5 this morning to ask if it was today or tomorrow and I was just like, “I don’t know girl. I don’t know.”— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 8, 2019
We don't poop in front of company.— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) March 5, 2019
- and other life lessons I didn't think I needed to teach my kids
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.— The Baron (@baronvonbike) March 7, 2019
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said “GIVE ME A MINUTE, mommy only has two hands,” I feel like I’d be able to fund a trip around the world by now.— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) March 6, 2019
When I'm trying to walk around in my house: tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere— The Dad (@thedad) March 5, 2019
When I'm trying to get kids out of the house: no shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
I’ve discovered the secret to get my kids to try almost anything is to call it a snack.— Life📌UɴPιɴтereѕтιɴɢ (@LifeUnPinterest) March 3, 2019
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) March 7, 2019
The first rule of parent club is you never tell anyone that you're going to the bathroom.— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) March 5, 2019
My 10yo just called me his “food delivery service” and I mean I’d prefer “mom” but gotta admit this new title sounds fancy.— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) March 6, 2019
6-year-old: *holds up an empty bowl*— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 7, 2019
Me: What do you want?
6: Ice cream.
Me: I meant what kind of cereal do you want?
6: The kind you leave in the cupboard so I can have ice cream.
Your small kids won’t always be in the bathroom invading your personal space. When they get older, they’ll stand outside the bathroom door begging for every book in the scholastic catalog.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 6, 2019
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old who has found something you have now tried to throw away TWICE.— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) March 6, 2019
Parent Hack: don’t waste money on a dresser because your entire wardrobe will always be in the hamper, in the washing machine, or in a pile on the bed/couch/floor.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 8, 2019
my son just emerged from the bathroom shouting YESSS NOW I WON’T HAFTA POOP AT SCHOOL TODAY and i hope your day is at least half that good— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 8, 2019
Shout-out to Daylight Savings.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 6, 2019
I usually lose hours of sleep because of my kids but hey what's one more on Sunday, right?
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 5, 2019