Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Toddler: [Eating an orange]— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) March 12, 2019
Me: Can I have some?
Toddler: No! Is spicy!
She's on to me.
Me: do you want a croissant or a muffin?— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) March 13, 2019
Me: *orders croissant and gives it to her*
2.5: noooo a muffin
Me: but you said croissant
Me: FINE *orders muffin and gives it to her*
2.5: *puts muffin aside and eats croissant*
People keeping saying to me that "we're losing an hour of sleep" like that hasn't been a regular occurrence in my world since late 2016.— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) March 10, 2019
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 14, 2019
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
my son asked me to make “something culinary for dinner...like, not from a box” and we’re now 5000% done with Food Network in this house— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 13, 2019
If you don’t kick your kid’s toy across the room after your trip on it, are you even a parent?— 𝔻𝕒𝕚𝕤𝕖𝕕&𝕔𝕠𝕟𝕗𝕦𝕤𝕖𝕕 (@ihoplollipop) March 11, 2019
Today my 4 year old was so tired she could barely keep her eyes open. Then she slept for 86 seconds in the car and will now be up forever.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 14, 2019
HER: Dad, I have a question.— The Dad (@thedad) March 10, 2019
ME: Did you google it?
HER: Google didn’t know.
ME: Sweetie, if the entire internet didn’t know, I can promise you I don’t.
I can raise kids just fine, but keeping plants alive that only need to be watered once a month is apparently out of my reach.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) March 9, 2019
What I said: It's important for everyone to get a good night's sleep tonight, so get on upstairs now.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) March 13, 2019
What I meant: Mama's got a sleeve of cookies and full DVR calling her name, so get out of my hair immediately.
Here’s a little song I wrote about helping kids with their Common Core Math homework, it’s called “We Just Have to Multiply Two Single Digits Why the Fuck Do We Need to Draw a Parallelogram“ and a one and a two— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 14, 2019
4-year-old: I got up early.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 15, 2019
4: I have lots of things to kick.
If you’ve never faked an urgent reason to go to the grocery store for some peace and quiet, you’re a better parent than me.— Just J (@junejuly12) March 10, 2019
7y.o: “We’re having cake for dessert?!”— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 9, 2019
7: “Do you know the only time I’m not thinking about cake? It’s when I’m EATING cake.”
It’s cool to bring a six-pack to parent-teacher conferences, right?— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 14, 2019
I’m tired of hearing new moms always say their baby is “such a good baby.” Just once, I wanna hear a mom be like, “Yeah, no, my baby’s a real dick.”— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 11, 2019
Can’t talk, my kids are angry with me because I didn’t put ice in their soccer water bottles that they never actually drink.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 14, 2019
You can’t scare me. I have a daughter. There’s glitter on literally everything I own.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 15, 2019
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 9, 2019