Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Accidentally asked a conference room full of coworkers if they had to go potty before the meeting and my membership to the Parent Club auto-renewed itself.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 18, 2019
Good morning to everyone except the two of my kids that had a 6:40am screaming match about what our cat’s middle name probably is.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 17, 2019
As a father of little girls, I am second only to Kesha for the amount of glitter in my hair at any given time.— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) March 18, 2019
My 3yo banged on the bathroom door and demanded I let him in just so he could serve me some imaginary tea. I’m both impressed with and disturbed by his commitment.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 16, 2019
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 17, 2019
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
The first hour of getting your kids dressed for school is always the toughest.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 18, 2019
A totally logical thing about parenting is when you find yourself consoling a child who is hysterically crying because they spilled their drink all over your furniture.— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 18, 2019
30% of parenting is just asking,— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) March 20, 2019
“Why is this wet?”
[Calling doctor's office]— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) March 20, 2019
Lady: When is your child's birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I'd like to thank Common Core Math for making me, a college graduate with a degree in Architectural Engineering, feel like the banjo kid from "Deliverance."— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 18, 2019
[shaking hands at mass]— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2019
Me: Peace be with you.
6-year-old: *Vulcan fingers* Live long and prosper.
My kids have been in bed for 30 minutes, and I have been scrolling social media and half-assedly watching Peppa Pig for 30 minutes without noticing. In case you were wondering what Mom Brain really does to you.— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) March 19, 2019
Me: I wonder what delights the world of parenting will offer me today?— Phil (@geowizzacist) March 19, 2019
My 6yo kid: [rubbing toothpaste over his hands as if it’s hand cream]
Kiddo: Can I have a rit?— ▪️EffYeahSteph▪️ (@eff_yeah_steph) March 20, 2019
Me: A what now?
Kiddo: A rit. *holds up a single Ritz cracker*
My 15 month old daughter’s clothes are nicer than mine. I understand wanting your kids to have better things than you, but it should be within reason. She doesn’t leave the house. All of her friends are stuffed animals. Nobody cares what she wears.— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) March 20, 2019
My toddler does a lot of crazy shit and I forgive all of it, but he eats cereal by drinking the milk out of the bowl first and this... this I do not forgive.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) March 18, 2019
Please invent socially acceptable yoga pants for dads. They look so comfy, and I am so tired.— The Dad (@thedad) March 18, 2019
Excuse me, I have children to disappoint.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 19, 2019
*starts cooking dinner*