Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My kids just spent an entire road trip hitting each other with half empty water bottles, but congratulations on the birth of your second child.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 3, 2019
It always feels 20 degrees colder while watching kids’ soccer practice. It’s science.
— The Dad (@thedad) April 2, 2019
Parenting through the years:
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 1, 2019
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
6-year-old: Can I help you make pizza?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2019
Me: I'm actually making zucchini noodles.
6: Nobody can help that.
[Stranded on a deserted island with my kids]
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) April 3, 2019
Day 1: We’ve got enough snacks to last us at least 2 years.
Day 2: We’ve run out of snacks.
I accidentally threw away my 4-year-old’s favorite candy wrapper. Please keep us both in your thoughts during this difficult time.
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) April 1, 2019
Your child’s friend either avoids talking to you or wants to tell you their whole life story. There’s no in between.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 2, 2019
My 1-year-old's really excited to show everyone that she knows animal names. Her favorite word to say is frog, but the G sounds like a K, the R is silent and her O sounds like a U.
— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) March 30, 2019
Congrats on your baby's first words. Unfortunately, their 3,000th or so words will likely be calling out the color of every fruit snack they eat.
— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) April 4, 2019
Fun fact: Between the ages of 4 to 14, the average child will waste $7,865 in restaurant food by filling up on bread when mom specifically said not to
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) April 4, 2019
Me: I want my kids to know that they can ask me anything at any time
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 3, 2019
Also me: IF YOU ASK ME FOR ONE MORE SNACK I WILL LITERALLY LOCK YOU IN THE GARAGE
One minute I’m the cool dad on vacation letting my kids get refills at breakfast, the next minute I’m trying not to flip a table when I see $28 worth of orange juice on the bill.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 4, 2019
"Can we have a seat where the baby has full view of the ceiling fan"
— Not another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) April 4, 2019
And other strange requests I make now
Each year, the average toddler spends over four thousand hours sleeping and roughly the same amount of time picking out pajamas.
— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) April 2, 2019
There is no higher stakes game than a middle of the night Rock-Paper-Scissors for who has to change the poop diaper.
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) April 3, 2019
Sometimes, late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear the sounds of parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) April 3, 2019
It's a "flipping the kids off behind their backs" sort of day.
— Heather is a hot mess (@h0tmessmama) April 4, 2019
When a parent tears up, they could be thinking about good times, they could be thinking about hard times, but most likely, it's the smell.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 3, 2019
Have a toddler and tell her you’re out of her favorite yogurt and that no, she can’t have a popsicle instead, and you too can experience what it’s like to disappoint someone before 8am.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) April 3, 2019
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