Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
One thing the parenting books didn’t prepare me for is having to bring home a 200-pack of toilet paper every 48 hours— The Dad (@thedad) May 2, 2019
My new greatest fear is getting roasted by my kids every time I enter the room wearing what I consider a hip, new outfit.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) April 29, 2019
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, "Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?"— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 30, 2019
One of my 3 year olds just walked out to the porch where I was sitting and put 7 frozen bean burritos on my lap, patted me on the back and left, how’s your afternoon shaping up?— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) April 29, 2019
Nicknaming your children is so weird. You start off with something sweet like Snuggle Dumpling, and before you know it, you’re calling your kid Snug Dump.— Accidental Super Mom (@AcciSuperMom) May 1, 2019
A mom on my daughter's softball team found a cute snack idea on Pinterest & now all of the girls have their hands stuck in tiny mason jars.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 2, 2019
“Stop arguing with your sister, she’s THREE” I yell, as my argument with a seven year old begins to heat up.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 1, 2019
“Oh, that’s just a whine-scream, which means she didn’t get what she wants. Different from the ‘there’s blood scream’, which is a much higher pitch.”— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) April 29, 2019
-Veteran parents, remaining seated.
I am on a bus with a hundred second-graders who are definitely all using their outside voices, how is your Wednesday going— Nicole Chung (@nicole_soojung) May 1, 2019
Simple facts I'm terrified of my toddler discovering:— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 1, 2019
- public parks don't randomly close
- tv's don't run out of batteries
- there is no actual world record for "fastest at putting away toys"
- chicken the animal and chicken the food are one and the same
Got any to add?
a mom at baseball tonight asked me if im worried about “the summer slide” and im like “omg what pool’s it at, is it just really slippery??” and she was like “... I mean getting behind in their academics” and I was all “lol clearly i am not.”— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 30, 2019
Pregnancy: So you're going to be extra tired, and it's really important you get a lot of rest.— Some Boy's Mother (@someboysmother) May 2, 2019
Me: Got it, more sleep
Pregnancy: Ha! No.... remember those side effects we talked about? You definitely won't be able to sleep.
4yo: Mommy, what if you never had kids?— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) May 2, 2019
Me: Then I wouldn’t know how much I was missing. You make me better. You help me love deeper than I ever thought I could. You fill me with joy and pride. I’m thankful for you and I’m so happy you’re here!
4yo: I’m gonna toot.
I just overheard...— JΛCQUΞS (@jnyemb) May 3, 2019
KIDDO: You said there would be snacks. And you know me, you don't mess with my snacks.
Endgame spoiler (parent edition):— here comes the son (@idtweetforever) May 3, 2019
Whatever part you’re the most excited to see is the part you’ll miss while taking your child to the bathroom.
Now that we have three children, I imagine one will quickly emerge as the least favorite.— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) April 30, 2019
It's April 29th and my kids are fighting over who gets to help me blow out my birthday candles.— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) April 29, 2019
My birthday is December 1st.
At this rate one of us won't make it.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 1, 2019
Baby giraffes can walk right after birth.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) May 3, 2019
My kids are teens and still can't pour a drink without spilling it.