Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I became a father the day my daughter was born but I didn’t become a dad until the first time she rolled her eyes at me.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 16, 2019
My 1yo’s hands are the softest thing. When she puts her hands on your face it feels so calming...— Mummy Dear (@ThatMummyLife) June 20, 2019
And then she rips you a new nostril with her razor sharp nails because toddlers dgaf.
Parenting is like being robbed: you get woken up in the middle of the night, all your stuff is ruined or missing, and there are fingerprints everywhere.— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 18, 2019
Me: [getting ready for work]— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) June 17, 2019
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I'm on vacation.
Me: [decides to organize sauce pans]
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing on the beach you can keep sand out of their mouth while I blow up a raft and they ask if there is a pool.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 18, 2019
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]— Katie Didn't (@Pork_Chop_Hair) June 16, 2019
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
There are two types of parent— DaddyGrownup 🏳️🌈 (@DaddyGrownup) June 17, 2019
1. Investigates why their child has suddenly gone quiet
2. Pours another cup of coffee and hopes for the best
Planning a family vacation is mostly just making sure the hotel has a pool.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) June 18, 2019
[sees a stray cat]— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 14, 2019
7-year-old: Can we take it home?
Me: Your mom is allergic.
7: We can get a new mom.
Starting a ring of suburban moms. Bring Chardonnay in your travel mugs. Meet us in the Target seasonal section at dusk, and be ready to rumble.— Just J (@junejuly12) June 17, 2019
Its midnight in Japan and the 1yo just woke up crying because he’s thirsty. Gave him his cup but he forgot to take out his pacifier and tried to put the cup directly into his eyeballs instead.— Boy Mom Life (@Heatherheiser2) June 17, 2019
So we definitely know he’s mine.
Kid: How come Dan & Anna don’t have kids?— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 17, 2019
Me: Some people don’t have kids right away.
Me: They don’t feel ready.
Me: Or they don’t want to have kids.
K: Why Why Why Why Why Why WHY!
Me: You’re answering your own question.
I told my son he had to make his own mac and cheese for lunch and he’s on his 15th heavy sigh in the first 5 mins— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 19, 2019
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) June 18, 2019
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
My wife and I start counting down from three when our kids misbehave. We just crossed negative one billion.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 18, 2019
First kid: only non toxic plant based cleaners for floors.— Mom On The Rocks (@sah_nursemom) June 20, 2019
Next kid: Lysol and bleach that shit. Clean is clean.
My 3yo reprimanded me during peekaboo. I’m not sure whether it’s the covering of the eyes that I’m getting wrong or the uncovering but it’s definitely one or the other. And you guys, either way, I’m shook.— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) June 19, 2019
I'm just a Mom,— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) June 19, 2019
Standing in front of my kids
Waiting for them to do something so I can tweet it.
[One hour past bedtime]— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) June 19, 2019
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don't sleep, hates that chair being warm.
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) June 18, 2019
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.