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If my kid’s toys ever come to life, I’m doing the sensible thing and claiming them on my taxes— Dave (@pittdave13) July 8, 2019
Waking up to the fresh scent of parenthood, poop and defeat.— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) July 10, 2019
There's always a day when kids realize their parents aren't superheroes. For my kids, it was the day they asked me to draw a horse for them.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) July 8, 2019
[1st birthday-1st child]— Ｍｏｍｚｉｌｌａ (@milliondollrfam) July 10, 2019
•tutu made of gold
•$150 worth of pizza for dinner
[1st birthday-2nd child]
•cell phone photography
•guests are overrated
•probably doesn't need clothes
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 8, 2019
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 8, 2019
My 2yo just stood 3 inches from my face while I peed, and then clapped when I flushed. If you’re looking for that kind of support, a toddler is the hype person you need.— Accidental Super Mom (@AcciSuperMom) July 10, 2019
[zombie apocalypse]— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 7, 2019
ME: *clutches my 4yo while we hide under the bed hoping the hoard doesn’t hear us*
MY 4Y/O: i hafta poop
[driving]— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 7, 2019
7-year-old: Can we stop for cheeseburgers?
Me: We packed sandwiches.
7: Why do you hate us?
Here’s a little song I wrote about kids being home for summer vacation it’s called “OMG WHEN DOES SCHOOL START“ and a one and a two— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 10, 2019
5: mom, there’s pee under the dining room table.— Celeste Yvonne (@andwhatamom) July 7, 2019
Me: WHAT? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
5: I dunno
Me: then how did you know it was there???
Me: *on the toilet*— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) July 6, 2019
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh... *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Pre-kid me: Little to no screen time is best.— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) July 6, 2019
4 years later: Netflix is our babysitter.
Me: We should get a bigger car.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 9, 2019
Wife: You're not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I'm just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Giving my kids SunChips: here eat these, they’re healthy, the sun is a vegetable— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) July 9, 2019
I'm letting my 2yo draw with Sharpies because I want new furniture.— DaddyGrownup 🏳️🌈 🇨🇦 (@DaddyGrownup) July 10, 2019
Don't @ me
Day 39 of summer break:— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 9, 2019
My son is mad at me because I won’t let him use a chainsaw.
If you listen real carefully to the sounds of my kids fighting, you can hear the sound of me opening a beer.— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) July 8, 2019
Me: "Hey love, you want me to cut up an apple for you?"— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) July 10, 2019
4yo: "When I want a snack, I'll tell you and you can make me it."
Me: *crosses off her birthday from the calendar*
My kid is sitting on the potty telling her doll to poop, as she refuses to poop.— Mom On The Rocks (@sah_nursemom) July 11, 2019
She’s already got the do as I say not as I do parent thing down.
Wife: Our son is pretty strong-willed sometimes, huh?— The Dad (@thedad) July 6, 2019
Me: We’re not in a parent-teacher conference. You can just say he’s an asshole sometimes.