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You can have nice things or you can have kids, but you can't have both.— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) July 13, 2019
I’m no parenting expert, but one thing I can tell you is to only feed your kids rice on the day you plan to vacuum.— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 15, 2019
3-year-old: *holds the remote for 2.5 seconds*— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 17, 2019
Me: *spends hours trying to get Netflix to not be in French*
90% of summer is spent applying sunscreen to your kids and the other 10% is spent helping them get said sunscreen out of their eye after you told them not to touch it.— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) July 15, 2019
One of the best parts of having kids is, comparatively, I actually make a VERY good drawing of a horse.— The Dad (@thedad) July 17, 2019
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I'm a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.— Lil Real (@LizerReal) July 18, 2019
There’s no question who wears the pants in our house.— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) July 17, 2019
Actually she wears size 8 unicorn leggings, but there’s no doubt she’s the boss.
When you mindlessly cut your kid's sandwich into squares instead of triangles and your whole world collapses around you.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 17, 2019
My 4y/o’s solution to me saying something was too expensive was “you can just go to work and get more money” if anybody needs a financial advisor.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 14, 2019
Me: where is your dress?— Professional Worrier (@com3t0think0fit) July 17, 2019
3: I took it off
3: because I’m going to the hot dog store
I have so many questions
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also she is only 12 when we buy movie tickets.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 15, 2019
I wasn’t even aware my husband was in the house and I sat down and began reading a story about kitties to my toddler. Immediately and out of nowhere I hear yelling, “What about titties?!”— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) July 18, 2019
Congratulations on your child saying their first words.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 14, 2019
Before you know it, you'll be treated to such gems as, "I had to poop but I pushed it back in my butt so I don't have to go anymore."
Kids may dance like nobody's watching, but they also pick their nose like nobody's watching. So we'll call it a draw.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) July 15, 2019
five beers in at Chuck E Cheese and i start tripping the toddlers who beat me at foosball— Josh Wheelwright (@Tryptofantastic) July 17, 2019
Yesterday I convinced my 6 year old son I could see his memories by looking into his ear directly at brain.— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) July 15, 2019
He was amazed talking about, “What else do you see mama?!” as I told him things we were both there for.
Parenting is fun
At the age of seven, Spartan boys were sent off to learn to fight and survive on their own and here are my grown kids complaining because I made green beans.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 18, 2019
*David Attenborough narrating*— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) July 18, 2019
"Folded laundry only has one natural predator...the small, yet agile toddler."
I thought it would be cute to teach my toddler my first name. Now that he wakes me by screaming it in my face I can admit how very wrong I was.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) July 18, 2019
From the child who brought you I’m Thirsty, My Blankets Are Hot, and I Can’t Sleep, now brings you There’s a Bug in my Room.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 16, 2019
Coming to a family room near you.