Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I'm so glad I brought my kids to the park so they can ask me for snacks non-stop somewhere different than at home.
— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) July 25, 2019
I don’t think our youngest has taken a single breath while telling us this story that started in 2012.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 25, 2019
[Watching an educational show]
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 24, 2019
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let's watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn't he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Become a parent so that your first reaction to someone screaming “OW!” in another room is to roll your eyes and sigh
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) July 22, 2019
Has anyone ever bought your kid a whistle? You might be entitled to financial compensation.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 20, 2019
We have channels for the first time and while watching cartoons with my 6 y/o he had to pee.
— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) July 25, 2019
Him: Can you pause it?
Me: I can’t, it’s TV
Him: *pause* Ok then can you stop watching until I’m done so it’s fair?
Someone explain to me why I closed my eyes until he came back 😂
Before becoming a parent, literally no one prepares for the day you might have to pep talk another person into "making a poopy".
— Momzilla (@milliondollrfam) July 25, 2019
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn't eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba's ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) July 25, 2019
Once you can send your kids to play in the other room without worrying about them dying, the second part of your life begins.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 22, 2019
My 5 year old got mad that I told him to try a bite of French Toast because I think he’d like it. He said “you don’t know ANYTHING about my life!” Boy I been with you almost every second since your conception but go off I guess
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) July 24, 2019
DAUGHTER: I don’t want that for dinner.
— The Dad (@thedad) July 21, 2019
ME: What do you want?
DAUGHTER: Noodles.
ME: …This is noodles.
DAUGHTER: I don’t want that.
ME: I don’t…I don’t know where we go from here.
My preschooler wanted me to play with her so she asked my wife for permission if you were wondering how much authority I have in the home.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 26, 2019
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 21, 2019
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
It’s storming pretty severely here. Just had the following conversation with my toddler:
— Audra McDonald (@AudraEqualityMc) July 22, 2019
*Thunder clap*
Sally: What was that?
Me: That’s just some angels playing ball in heaven
Sally: No Mommy. It’s thunder.
Me: 😬
This summer, my kids are learning how to cook*
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 24, 2019
*microwave cups of mac-n-cheese
I finally found my sleep number.
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) July 24, 2019
It’s 0.
0 kids.
me to my first kid: OMG YOU’RE WALKING *tears* oh the places you will go
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) July 23, 2019
me to my second: yayyy rockstar!!
me to my third: whoa slow down there, what’s the rush lmao
me to my fourth: *discreetly knocks him over* dude I just sat down for the first time in a year, chill
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
— Professional Worrier (@com3t0think0fit) July 26, 2019
[loud screaming in the next room]
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 25, 2019
Me: Hey! What's going on in there?
7-year-old: We're screaming.
Glad we cleared that up.
Parenthood is serving regular meals of, “Dream big, my loves, for you can be anything” with a side of, “Please be less annoying” at least once a week.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) July 25, 2019
Support HuffPost
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.