Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 5, 2019
[day camp drop off]
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2019
Me: Be good.
7-year-old: Maybe tomorrow.
I'm just a mom sitting in the baby's room sipping wine and scrolling Twitter, letting the rest of the house assume Baby isn't asleep yet.
— Not another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) August 8, 2019
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 6, 2019
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My 3rd grader wants to be something really scary for Halloween so we are going to dress her up as this note from her music teacher that recorders will be coming home this week.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 6, 2019
I thought I would be much more patient as a mom, but no warned me I might have a kid who asks rapid fire questions from sun up to sun down for 10 years straight.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) August 7, 2019
“Mommy just needs a minute to rest her eyes.” - my forthcoming memoir
— Hot Girl May Parker (@Steph_I_Will) August 7, 2019
I have read The Five Little Pumpkins to my 2yo at least twice a day, everyday since I bought it last October.
— Heather🦈Doo doo Doo do (@dishs_up) August 8, 2019
The moral of this story is don't buy books for your kids.
Taught my 7 a trick to tie his sneakers quickly and neatly: you do it while not holding your water bottle, Pokémon cards and a popsicle
— SheepWreck Yaron (@NrouteHQ) August 6, 2019
[in car]
— Katie Didn't (@Pork_Chop_Hair) August 6, 2019
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd
*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I've never wanted my life to simulate "The Oregon Trail" more than right now, while on a road trip with two whining kids and wishing for the sweet release of dysentery.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) August 4, 2019
I just figured out why so many churches have preschools onsite!
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) August 5, 2019
Onsite👏Toddler👏Exorcisms 👏
If it ain’t broke, you probably don’t have kids.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) August 6, 2019
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 6, 2019
A 2.5yo will repeat anything and everything you say which is how I learned my wife is feeling “periody and bloatish” today.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) August 8, 2019
4yo: "They have walls that say what you say when you talk to them."
— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) August 8, 2019
My 4yo describing an area where it echos really well and not a haunted house like I previously thought.
I don’t mean to brag but this morning I woke up to my 6yo playing some lovely music on the piano at 5am.
— Phil (@geowizzacist) August 5, 2019
*any time after 8pm*
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 7, 2019
My kids: Daddy!
Me: No.
2 happily said "I love playing sand" at the beach today, but no such declarations of love for the woman who grew, birthed, and raised him for the past two years.
— Anecdotal Birthcontrol (@PedersenAhmed) August 5, 2019
Me: “You’re always going to be my baby. You know that? Even when you’re big, big, big, I’m still going to see you as a teeny, tiny baby.”
— The Mom at Law® (@TheMomAtLaw) August 6, 2019
4 YO: “You’re blocking the TV.”
We’re on day four of staying with my mother, and she’s still looking for the WiFi password. I don’t think my children have ever experienced this kind of hardship.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) August 8, 2019
[trying to remove a barbie doll from its package] is this crossfit? am i crossfitting?
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 3, 2019
“Don’t put cheese in between your toes”
— Professional Worrier (@com3t0think0fit) August 8, 2019
Things you don’t ever expect to have to say as a parent
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