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The only time my child closes a door is when I am right behind her with my hands full.— Amber Leventry (they/them) (@AmberLeventry) August 14, 2019
Parenting: When winning a game against your children is worse than losing.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) August 16, 2019
Kid: *runs, jumps headfirst, lands on stomach, slides 8 feet across slip-n-slide to an abrupt stop, gets up, and repeats*— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 15, 2019
Me: *kinks neck while watching*
Is it bath night if you don’t look like you’ve wrestled a kraken?— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) August 13, 2019
Went for a run without reading the instructions for my new Apple Watch, and selected “25 Most Played Songs” for my music. Long story short, I ended up listening to 27 minutes straight of Sesame Street’s Greatest Hits, in case you were wondering how owned I am as a parent.— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) August 13, 2019
The biggest marketing lie to parents is “fun for the whole family.”— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 13, 2019
If you spent all summer thinking of fun things to do with your kids but not doing any of them only to find yourself cramming an entire season of memories into the final DAYS of break before school starts back up...— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) August 13, 2019
Welcome. You are my people.
If your kid starts off a question with “Do you” and you don’t interrupt with “Know the muffin man?” are you really even a parent?— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) August 14, 2019
My kids are mad because I took them to the beach all day and bought them ice cream, but I never let them do anything fun.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 13, 2019
Me: Are we ready for the kids' first day of school tomorrow?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 11, 2019
Wife: *pulls out celebratory champagne*
2yo: momma guess what? I got real high with daddy.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) August 14, 2019
Wife: he’s talking about swings right?
Me: pft as if I’d share my good shit with him.
Turns out a bedtime story about clowns who drive ice cream trucks wasn’t such a good idea.— Just J (@junejuly12) August 14, 2019
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) August 15, 2019
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Me: "So you want to play soccer, right?"— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) August 14, 2019
4yo: "No, I want to play football."
Me: "You said soccer."
4yo: "I don't want soccer. I want football."
This argument went on for awhile before I realized she was suffering from "Peppa Pig Syndrome" and meant soccer but said "football"
Me: “Did you empty the dishwasher like I told you to??”— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 14, 2019
*continues to eat his cereal with a measuring spoon while drinking juice from a coffee mug.
First day of school & my son already brought home a picture form & now I have to decide if I want a basic package or spend $200 & get his face on a hand towel.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 15, 2019
I don’t know who needs to hear this but your kids will be back in school soon.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 15, 2019