Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
“What are we doing today?”
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 1, 2019
-Wide awake kids standing by your bed at 5:15 AM on Sunday.
My 10yo made me a house in his Minecraft world and decorated it with dead bushes because he knows I can’t be trusted with keeping plants alive and it’s honestly the most considerate thing he’s ever done for me.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) September 2, 2019
Being a parent means watching your kid throw a tantrum in bed when he needs to get up for school and not telling him, "I feel you, bro".
— 🎸Villainous Mal PGV🎸 (@TheRealPalMal) September 5, 2019
I used to think I had slow reflexes, until I had to dodge a nappy full of poop being thrown at me by an enraged toddler.
— Steve (@papa_can_preach) September 3, 2019
Turns out I may actually have an undiscovered super power, or at the least, Olympic level gymnastic skills..
6yo: mom, who sings this?
— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) September 2, 2019
Me: Queen
6yo: can you let them sing it
Me: damn
My job here is done he's ready
I just want to raise a strong willed, independent child who will STFU when I tell him to.
— Daddy’s Digest (@daddysdigest) September 1, 2019
Me: You know boy, they used to call me ol’ eagle eye
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) September 3, 2019
Son: Why are you talking to that mannequin?
*overheard at my house*
— m🌻mma unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) September 1, 2019
11: we never have any fun in this house
Husband: you’re not using my chainsaw
My toddler pronounces any word starting with the letter “F” with a “P” sound. “Pollow me Priends. Let’s get some Pench Pries.”
— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) September 2, 2019
Instead of correcting her we’ve just started doing the same thing.
There’s a chance in a couple of years we will realize that was the wrong decision.
Yesterday my child tugged on my shirt.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) September 3, 2019
“What can I do for you?” I asked, exhausted. “Mommy is tired. She has nothing left to give.”
She responded by looking deep into my eyes, and then snatching the last of my fries from my plate.
So I guess I stand corrected.
My 6yo has started back-talking to me in song. Like when characters in a musical suddenly burst out singing.
— Heather M. Jones (@hmjoneswriter) September 1, 2019
Points for creativity.
Our 8yo just informed us that she’ll be learning to play the recorder in school this year, so yeah, I’m DEFINITELY in favor of educational reform.
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) September 5, 2019
*draws picture*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 5, 2019
*spills juice on picture*
*crumbles picture*
*drops picture on floor*
*walks on top of picture*
*kicks picture across room*
*finds picture in garbage*
“WHY WOULD YOU THROW THIS AWAY, MOM?!?”
If you wondered how my weekend is going, I had to make a rule for no corndogs in the bathroom.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 1, 2019
Sometimes I worry that my 9 year old is too sweet for this fucked up world, but she looked at my face and said, "I didn't know you could be old AND get a pimple" so it turns out she'll be fine.
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) September 2, 2019
Watching my kid rip through her Birthday presents feels awfully symbolic of what she did to my vagina this very day, years ago.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) September 2, 2019
After a 45 minute negotiation, my 7yo son finally ate one strand of spaghetti. Clearly, he deserved the candy bar we bribed him with.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 4, 2019
Parenting hack: start telling your kids to find their shoes 3 hours before you have to leave so you’re definitely still late because hahaha there are no hacks you idiot
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) September 3, 2019
Why is 2 crying?
— Anecdotal Birthcontrol (@PedersenAhmed) September 2, 2019
Because he wants me to hold open his pants so he can jump into them, but it doesn't work because he is not a cartoon character.
Morning school bus is late.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) September 3, 2019
It's like the bus driver doesn't care about my happiness.
