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It’s 6am on a Saturday. Do you know where your child’s soccer jersey is?— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 7, 2019
[at my funeral]— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 11, 2019
MY KID: *leans into my coffin and whispers* can i play a game on your phone?
I hope to someday be as confident as my 3 year old who thinks she’s having fruit snacks for breakfast.— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 12, 2019
I accidentally emailed 2 entire schools asking who Luna’s boy-friend is instead of just her teachers because she doesn’t know his name.— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) September 12, 2019
Me: Get ready for school.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 9, 2019
Me: It's Monday.
5: Can't we just do Sunday again?
The chances of your kid liking the new snack they insisted you buy are inversely proportional to how big the bag is— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) September 11, 2019
Voiceover: We replaced this 6-year-old’s sandwich bread with a different brand of sandwich bread, let’s see if she notic—*6yo has already thrown plate on the floor*— SpacedMom (@copymama) September 13, 2019
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) September 11, 2019
For an advanced society, these school pickup lines are some primitive bullshit.— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) September 10, 2019
No one tells you that most of parenting is going through your phone to decide which blurry photo to keep out of the 729 selfies your kid took of themself.— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) September 9, 2019
8yo: the baby put my art in the trash again!— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) September 12, 2019
Me: *looks at camera like Jim Halpert*
Dad, you interviewed the Lumineers?— Steve Inskeep (@NPRinskeep) September 10, 2019
You like them!
Is it cool to interview people whose music you like?
Yes. I’ve done that a few times.
I don’t know, I interviewed Elton John once. Bruce Springsteen.
Have you ever interviewed anyone I would actually know?
-At toddler group-— MumInBits (@MumInBits) September 12, 2019
Her: we should get together with the kids one day
Me: oh that would be so lovely
Her: which days are good for you?
Me: oh none of them sorry I thought we were being polite
"My stomach hurts" is teenager for "I have a test in geometry"— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) September 12, 2019
I just want to be there the day this girl in my daughter's Pre-K class who wrote that her favorite food is chicken and her favorite animals are chickens gets the news.— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) September 13, 2019
Parenting is fun because you get to ruin someone's life on a daily basis by doing things like confiscating electronics and enforcing teeth brushing— Meggy the Magnificent (@meghaffer) September 9, 2019
You could be superstitious & believe Friday the 13th will bring you a day of bad luck.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) September 13, 2019
Or you could be a parent & guarantee a lifetime of it.
My toddler wants to do everything by himself which is great except he’s fucking terrible at everything.— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) September 12, 2019