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7-year-old: *hands me a plate of toy food*— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 28, 2019
Me: Mmm. Tastes like plastic.
7: Just like what you make.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 4, 2019
I was in a family bathroom and as my 4yo unlocked the door my 2yo pushed the handicap button right as I started to pee so I had to watch the door slowly open knowing that I couldn't get up and I peed with the door wide open. I'm so blessed to have kids.— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) October 1, 2019
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) September 29, 2019
There is nothing quite like being condescended to by a 4-year-old with her shoes on the wrong feet.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 4, 2019
Having kids is perfect if you want to both do everything for somebody and be told you’re doing those things wrong.— The Dad (@thedad) September 29, 2019
Yes I gave birth, but I haven’t bought those little month numbers and laid my child next to them like a tiny, happy crime scene victim and taken a picture of that and posted it to Instagram so in that sense I am not a mother.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) October 3, 2019
My toddler is never more adorable than when we're playing hide and seek and he actually thinks I'm trying to find him.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) October 1, 2019
Inventor of Legos: I'm a GENIUS!— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) September 30, 2019
Inventor of Legos, after having kids: I'm...OW!...an...OW!...IDIOT!...OWW!
Kid: *3 and a half seconds after calling me the worst mom ever* Can you make me a snack?— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 30, 2019
My 10yo: I want to be a master detective when I grow up.— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) October 3, 2019
Also my 10yo: *peering closely at my face* Dad, you have BLUE eyes. I thought they were brown.
my daughter’s in her first year of middle school and I asked if she plans to go to any of the dances and she said “only if there’s gonna be food”— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) October 3, 2019
Me: This family heirloom has— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 1, 2019
Kid: *drops it*
Me: been in the family
Kid: *steps on it*
Me: for ages and you can
Kid: *spills juice on it*
Me: pass it on to your
Kid: *lights it on fire*
Me: Never mind.
I accidentally flushed the toilet instead of letting my kid do it which in the toddler community is a crime punishable by death.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) October 3, 2019
All I’m saying is if you hand out melatonin gummies this Halloween instead of candy, you’d be doing the whole neighborhood a favor.— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) September 29, 2019
While I was out my husband introduced the kids to Teletubbies and I just don't understand how he could do this to me.— Anecdotal Birthcontrol (@PedersenAhmed) October 2, 2019
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE— NoTasha (@looksliketuttut) September 30, 2019
Wife: [eating]— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) September 30, 2019
Kids: GIMME A BITE GIMME A BITE GIMME A BITE!
Me: Leave your mom alone!
Also me: Gimme a bite