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My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 5, 2019
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 9, 2019
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I wish I loved anything as much as my kids love fucking up my couch cushions.— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) October 7, 2019
Me (to my kids): Whenever possible, don't curse. All it shows is that your vocabulary needs work.— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) October 9, 2019
Also me: Learn how to drive asshole. It's not that hard to use a fucking turn signal, you piece of shit.
I’m sorry for all the things I said when my toddler wouldn’t nap.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) October 8, 2019
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) October 7, 2019
My 3 year-old asked, "What happened to her belly?"
I replied, "There's a baby in there."
3 was horrified; "She ate a baby?!"
Sensing a good opportunity, I said "Yes."
Sleep well tonight, kid.
A podcast, but it's just me crying because my kids won't listen to me.— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 8, 2019
You think you can scare me? My first job was at Chuck E Cheese. The ball pit changes you.— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) October 9, 2019
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!— 👻Sarcastic Mommy👻 (@sarcasticmommy4) October 9, 2019
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Have kids so you always have someone to point out how long your nose hairs are while standing in checkout lines.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 8, 2019
Everyone is tired and hungry and crying— Anecdotal Birthcontrol (@PedersenAhmed) October 9, 2019
- an after school special
Me: Wake up.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 6, 2019
7-year-old: It's too early.
Me: It's time for church.
7: Is God even awake yet?
If you give your 2yo a cup of apple juice and she drinks it all then asks for more which she also drinks and then she yells at you because she doesn’t like apple juice how much of the alcohol can you drink before midday?— MumInBOO! (@MumInBits) October 8, 2019
Got out of work and picked my five year old who told me: "school's over we get to be people now."— dadpression (@Dadpression) October 8, 2019
As if it wasn’t hard enough already for my wife and I to agree on something to watch, our 4-year-old suddenly has an opinion. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 6, 2019
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 8, 2019
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Me: need anything at the store?— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 8, 2019
9: a ukulele
9: yeah I need one for music class
Me: by when?
9: ummm yesterday?
9: oh yeah and I need to write a song.
Me: *adds vodka to list*
Sex is good and all but have you ever vacuumed up a bunch of tiny LEGO pieces your kids refused to put away?— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) October 11, 2019