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Me: I try really hard to not lie to my kids— Professional Worrier (@com3t0think0fit) October 15, 2019
Also me: We can’t go to Disney world it’s locked
[Baby shower]— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 13, 2019
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What's this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens...
Me: You'll thank me in 5 years.
The chances of your kid liking the treat at the theme park they insisted on trying are inversely proportional to how expensive it was— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 15, 2019
*crash*— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 15, 2019
*water gushes down the stairs*
Me: WHAT IS HAPPENING UP THERE?!
9-year-old: I'm ready for pizza.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 16, 2019
Me: It's breakfast time.
9: I said what I said.
9: Can I rent an otter?— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) October 15, 2019
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Parents are equal parts "My kids give me life" and "I just need everyone to leave me the hell alone."— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 12, 2019
Being a soccer mom means that my weekend plans are always just washing uniforms and waking up too early to sit in the cold.— Sara Says Stop Scaring Me (@PetrickSara) October 13, 2019
The only good thing about going to a farm to pick a pumpkin is the tantalizing possibility of losing one of your kids in the corn maze.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) October 13, 2019
If you don’t count down the last couple of hours before bedtime, I want whatever you’re having.— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) October 14, 2019
I never thought I’d be the type of mom who wakes up at 5am just so I can get a workout in before my kids get up. I was totally right.— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) October 14, 2019
It’s fall family picture season. Choose your fighter:— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 12, 2019
Furniture in a field
I MEAN I knew it was my child’s birthday but being woken with a vigorous MS JESSICA SAYS YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BRING TREATS FOR ALL MY FRIENDS TO SHARE was exciting and also deeply deeply surprising— N is for Nicole, Who Fell Off a Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) October 17, 2019
My toddler won't wear a shoe with a tiny grain of sand in it, but he can walk around all day with a turd in his pants— The Dad (@thedad) October 11, 2019
My 6 yr old is singing “I guess it rains down in Africa” and if anyone ever corrects her I will hunt them down— Molly Erdman (@erdmanmolly) October 16, 2019
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it's because our dog is old.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) October 15, 2019
3 then replied in a low voice, "We should get a new dog."
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
My son and I are working on his college applications and there’s a lot more involved than 1986’s “Do you have a pulse and like to party?”— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) October 11, 2019
I’m not saying bedtime is hard. I’m just saying 14 stories, 9 back rubs, 3 trips to the bathroom, 1 glass of “really cold” water and 1293 “goodNIGHT”s aren’t exactly my idea of a good time.— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) October 16, 2019
Friend: We bought tickets to the circus. Want to join us?— 👻Sarcastic Mommy👻 (@sarcasticmommy4) October 12, 2019
Me: No, thanks. My life is a circus & that shit is free.