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My son’s 4th grade music class is learning to play “Get Down on It” on the recorder and I’m nominating his teacher for all the awards— Kristin (@FeralCrone) October 21, 2019
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?— Ted McCormick (@mccormick_ted) October 23, 2019
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
It's 10am and I'm bribing 3 with candy corn. Halloween is finally upon us.— 💀Marissa 👻🎃 (@natsmama75) October 21, 2019
Attention new parents: Please be advised that all of your Tupperware will now be used as doll pools.— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 21, 2019
You think you are going to be a cool hip parent, then your 12 year old daughter wants a pair of plain gray sweatpants that cost $58.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 23, 2019
me: sorry we're late— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) October 23, 2019
teacher: it's ok
me: she didn't want to put on pants
teacher: where are her pants?
me: she won
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) October 22, 2019
"Do NOT pee on your brother!"— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) October 22, 2019
And other things you hear in a public restroom that don't seem strange at all after you have kids.
'You're still a badass bitch'— Momtribevibe 💀🎃😈 (@momtribevibe) October 20, 2019
I whisper to myself as I take a drink from my 2yo's Paw Patrol sippy cup, because I forgot my water in the car.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn't even realize he's leaving me home with his children.— 👻Sarcastic Mommy👻 (@sarcasticmommy4) October 19, 2019
My 3 year old just told me I’m the Best Mommy Ever. I’m super excited to put that next to the Worst Mommy Ever trophy she awarded me last night.— Arianna DEADford 💀🎃👻 (@TheNYAMProject) October 23, 2019
With all due respect, Lionel Ritchie, there is nothing easy about Sunday morning when you have a houseful of kids wired on pancake syrup.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 20, 2019
The 4yo has started a leaf collection bc that’s exactly what this house needed.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 23, 2019
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don't know who I trust to babysit my child.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) October 19, 2019
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Remember, you have a college degree and are a generally intelligent human...— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) October 22, 2019
-I think to myself as my toddler screams because I’m incapable of building a proper LEGO castle
Me: do you know what you want to do when you’re a grown up?— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) October 23, 2019
Toddler: I want to eat gumballs.
Me: but what do you want to do for a job?
Toddler: eat gumballs.
Me: I envy you.
Was having a bad day until I overheard my 4-year-old singing “We Are the Champions” while she was pooping and now it’s basically the best day ever.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 19, 2019
I wish I had the confidence of my 2yo telling Alexa to turn off mommy’s yucky music and play baby shark instead.— 🎃Heathers love Halloween, 👻 love Halloween 🎃 (@dishs_up) October 23, 2019
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something I can no longer remember because our kids interrupted us 175 times.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 24, 2019
Went to a haunted house this weekend and realized “scary” is much different— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) October 21, 2019
A child napping at 4pm,
A clean room and a kid w. crackers,
A toddler proudly proclaiming they “wiped their own butt,”
An old sippy of milk in the toybox,
Kids up at 4AM
This is what terrifies me now.
I’m never more popular with my kids as when I’m leaving for work and am already running late for my train— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) October 23, 2019
I think I found something better than caffeine to wake me up in the morning.— 🎃 Stay at Homies 🎃 (@stayathomies) October 21, 2019
My kid waking me up by saying "I think I'm going to throw up."