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I don't have to worry about my kids TP'ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 31, 2019
I would totally be your ride or die, but I already committed to schlepp my kid around so he can play travel soccer.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) October 28, 2019
I’m just a girl, standing over her son’s Halloween candy, wondering when people stopped giving out Nestle Crunch.— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) November 1, 2019
If you serve your kids with dinosaur nuggets and you add one asteroid shaped nugget nothing will be left on the plate it’s science— SheepWreck Yaron (@NrouteHQ) October 28, 2019
Shout out to all the parents whose kids have changed their minds today about their Halloween costumes.— 👻Sarcastic Mommy👻 (@sarcasticmommy4) October 31, 2019
WIFE: [gesturing at 4yo with mouth full of candy] did u let her have halloween candy for breakfast?— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 1, 2019
ME: [also with mouth full of candy] no why?
When I was little, my mom used to lock herself in the car for a few minutes after running errands with us so she could “sort herself.” I had no idea what that meant until I had kids and now I’m like, “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 30, 2019
My toddler sips medicine with the same fervor and delight as a connoisseur savoring a fine 18yo scotch.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) October 30, 2019
My kid is doing a lot of cartwheels for someone who couldn’t pick up a spoon at her feet 5 minutes ago because she was, “way too tired!”— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) October 27, 2019
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 31, 2019
coworker: what adorable costumes!
Austin had a sudden 30 degree temperature drop, and I have two teenage boys who are now over 6 feet tall, so the category is: FLOOD PANTS— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) October 30, 2019
It’s not heavy, it’s just awkward.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 30, 2019
-Dads when something is too heavy for them.
They should sell food in tiny, one-bite portions for when your child says they want to try something new, then takes one lick and declares it gross.— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 29, 2019
I’ve watched a lot of Peppa Pig and the most unrealistic part of the entire show is that they use telephones to talk to other characters. Ludicrous.— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) November 1, 2019
Don’t let them fool you. The scariest part of Halloween is trying to remember your neighbors’ names.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 31, 2019
I just showed my nine year old how to use a message triangle for her upcoming protest against homework if you're curious about my parenting style— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) October 29, 2019
7-year-old: I ate all my food!— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 31, 2019
Me: You ate your chicken nuggets and didn't touch anything else.
7: I ate all the food that counts.
Me: 15 minutes til bedtime kids— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) October 30, 2019
Me: now it's 10 minutes
Me: you have 5 minutes to shut it down and get in bed
Me: 2 minute warning, let's go
Me: okay bedtime
Kids: WHAT? ALREADY? JUST 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
The Neverending Story is not only a movie made in 1984, but it also describes how my children tell me a story.— TokenSuperhero (@MarcusTheToken) October 26, 2019