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We have now reached the “threatening letters from the elf” portion of “the most wonderful time of the year.”— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) December 12, 2019
Me: Good morning.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 11, 2019
4-year-old: I DIDN'T BREAK ANYTHING.
Me: *searches the house for the thing she broke*
Saw a bumper sticker that said My Other Ride Is Your Mom and my son asked if his mom was giving people piggy back rides so basically don’t ever teach your child to read— 🎄Vision Bored, Sugar Plum Fairy🎄 (@VisionBored1) December 12, 2019
One good thing about having kids is when you screw up dinner, now you have more people to tell you— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 13, 2019
toddler: what are you doing?— christmas cheer liz bruenig (@ebruenig) December 12, 2019
toddler: can i pray?
me: okay. what do you want to pray for?
toddler: [deep thought]
me: it's sort of like asking for help with something.
toddler: six marshmallows
I just referred to the livingroom TV, our largest, nicest, smartest TV as “your tv” to my toddler.— Heather 🎄❄️doo do doo do doo do doo do (@dishs_up) December 12, 2019
If you were wondering who runs this house.
"You're just like me, trash!"— Dad That Writes ☕ (@dadthatwrites) December 12, 2019
-My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 completely out of context, to random strangers
7-year-old: I wish I could see Santa’s naughty kid list.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) December 9, 2019
Me: To see if you’re on it?
7-year-old: To see who I could have the most fun with.
Most kids: Can I hold the baby?— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 12, 2019
My 7yo: Can I hold the baby like that one scene from The Lion King?
This reminds me of when “we” carved pumpkins, I say to my kids as they watch me make Christmas cookies.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 13, 2019
10: I’m going to my room.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) December 12, 2019
Me: What? You don’t want to hang out with the family?
10: My room has dill pickle flavored sunflower seeds and The Simpsons on Disney+. This room has my sisters.
If snitches did, indeed, get stitches, my kids would be walking around looking like Frankenstein’s monster.— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) December 12, 2019
I got a rotisserie chicken to make my twins try chicken and broccoli pasta, but they saw me pulling it apart, and yelled "I a little shark feed me fishies!" so I've been hand feeding "fishies" to my "sharks" and I couldn't have created a more apt metaphor for parenting toddlers.— Grumpy Dad (@DadisGrumpy) December 12, 2019
Might fuck around and pretend like I actually want to attend my kid's Christmas concert tonight.— Momtribevibe 🎄🌲🎄 (@momtribevibe) December 12, 2019
3yo: dad I saw Santa!— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) December 7, 2019
Me: that’s great!
3yo: I didn’t say fuck you to him!
Me: that’s...good but you really shouldn’t say that to anyone.
3yo: except bad drivers?
Me: that’s right except bad drivers.
If you’re looking for Christmas gift ideas for my child, they wear a size “sleepover at Grandma’s house.”— Amanda Marcotte | Mediocre Mommy (@storiesofamom) December 10, 2019
I used to wonder why mittens had those long strings that attach to eachother.— Dad Bits (@DadBits) December 10, 2019
Then I had kids.
My 3 year old is already planning her wedding and I have to say I’m just impressed she has her life together more than I did until I was 30.— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) December 12, 2019
[My kids finding the Elf on the Shelf in the morning]— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 13, 2019
10yo: She’s always in the same places every year, why doesn’t she find some new ones?
Me: YOU TRY COMING UP WITH NEW IDEAS FOR A GODDAMN MONTH—I mean, um, it's because those spots are filled with Christmas magic, my darlings!
ME: [frantically trying to put a life vest on my 4yo while our ship sinks]— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 12, 2019
MY 4YO: i wanna do it all by myself!