The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (Jan. 4-10)

Do you like the feeling of never being home & living out of your car?

Then having kids involved in sports is for you.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 7, 2020

Son: Can I have some?

Me, mouth full of cheesecake: It’s really spicy you won’t like it.

— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) January 6, 2020

I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it.

— Crockett™️ (@CrockettForReal) January 9, 2020

If I'm playing with my kids, there's a 100% chance I'm trying to get one of them to rub my back or brush my hair.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) January 5, 2020

Every morning my 4-year-old asks me if it's Friday yet like some kind of malcontent coworker imposed upon by her job of literally playing all day long.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 7, 2020

Parenting is telling one kid to leave the other one alone until you die.

— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) January 4, 2020

Listen Bento Box Betty, your school lunch posts are really inspiring but if I sent my kids to school with kale chips and tofu squares they would starve.

— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) January 8, 2020

My 10yo who has trouble remembering to wear socks to school and close car doors behind him is upset because I won't buy him a chinchilla.

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 7, 2020

The most disappointing part about having an 11 yo is that he didn’t leave a year ago to become a Pokémon master

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) January 8, 2020

Me:

[Wakes up at 4 am]

[Checks on my 2 sleeping kids]

[Decides to drive to park to go running]

[Gets in car]

[Goes to adjust rear-view mirror]

OHSONOFA....

My two kids, in the backseat: WHATCHA DOING?

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) January 8, 2020

Loudest Noises on Earth:

5. Race cars
4. Space shuttle launch
3. Volcano erupting
2. Bomb exploding
1. Noise made prior to a kid yelling “IT WAS NOTHING”

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 7, 2020

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of starting the new year with a juice cleanse we can start it with an everyone in this family has a stomach bug cleanse.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 9, 2020

"yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway" I say about the food I brought home for my kids.

— Marl (@Marlebean) January 6, 2020

The only thing that brings more joy than the laughter of a child is when the morning school bus comes to take them away.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 9, 2020

Carb loading to get me through to my toddler's bedtime

— Gregnog 🏳️🌈 (@DaddyGrownup) January 8, 2020

4-year-old: Why do I have to be the youngest?

Me: Your sisters were born first.

4: They cheated.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2020

Sometimes I like to mess with my family and hide their stuff where they can't find it.

Like I put their shoes in the shoe closet, their jacket on a hanger and their keys on the key hook.

— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) January 8, 2020

"I don't know" is teenager for "I know but I'm definitely not telling my mom."

— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) January 9, 2020

So far this week I’ve told my toddler the following:

-“Be all that too can be”
-“The more you know”
-“Beef, it’s what for dinner”
-“Milk, it does the body good”
-“Gimme a break”
and
-“Don’t leave home without it”

So thanks 1980’s advertising for raising my son.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 8, 2020

10 had to come up with healthy goals for school and put down he’d run more and when I told him how impressed I was he said “yeah but since I don’t run at all if I start running even 2 sec a day it’ll count as more” and so now I’m dropping everything and redoing MY healthy goals.

— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) January 8, 2020