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Do you like the feeling of never being home & living out of your car?— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 7, 2020
Then having kids involved in sports is for you.
Son: Can I have some?— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) January 6, 2020
Me, mouth full of cheesecake: It’s really spicy you won’t like it.
I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it.— Crockett™️ (@CrockettForReal) January 9, 2020
If I'm playing with my kids, there's a 100% chance I'm trying to get one of them to rub my back or brush my hair.— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) January 5, 2020
Every morning my 4-year-old asks me if it's Friday yet like some kind of malcontent coworker imposed upon by her job of literally playing all day long.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 7, 2020
Parenting is telling one kid to leave the other one alone until you die.— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) January 4, 2020
Listen Bento Box Betty, your school lunch posts are really inspiring but if I sent my kids to school with kale chips and tofu squares they would starve.— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) January 8, 2020
My 10yo who has trouble remembering to wear socks to school and close car doors behind him is upset because I won't buy him a chinchilla.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 7, 2020
The most disappointing part about having an 11 yo is that he didn’t leave a year ago to become a Pokémon master— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) January 8, 2020
Me:— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) January 8, 2020
[Wakes up at 4 am]
[Checks on my 2 sleeping kids]
[Decides to drive to park to go running]
[Gets in car]
[Goes to adjust rear-view mirror]
My two kids, in the backseat: WHATCHA DOING?
Loudest Noises on Earth:— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 7, 2020
5. Race cars
4. Space shuttle launch
3. Volcano erupting
2. Bomb exploding
1. Noise made prior to a kid yelling “IT WAS NOTHING”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of starting the new year with a juice cleanse we can start it with an everyone in this family has a stomach bug cleanse.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 9, 2020
"yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway" I say about the food I brought home for my kids.— Marl (@Marlebean) January 6, 2020
The only thing that brings more joy than the laughter of a child is when the morning school bus comes to take them away.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 9, 2020
Carb loading to get me through to my toddler's bedtime— Gregnog 🏳️🌈 (@DaddyGrownup) January 8, 2020
4-year-old: Why do I have to be the youngest?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2020
Me: Your sisters were born first.
4: They cheated.
Sometimes I like to mess with my family and hide their stuff where they can't find it.— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) January 8, 2020
Like I put their shoes in the shoe closet, their jacket on a hanger and their keys on the key hook.
"I don't know" is teenager for "I know but I'm definitely not telling my mom."— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) January 9, 2020
So far this week I’ve told my toddler the following:— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 8, 2020
-“Be all that too can be”
-“The more you know”
-“Beef, it’s what for dinner”
-“Milk, it does the body good”
-“Gimme a break”
-“Don’t leave home without it”
So thanks 1980’s advertising for raising my son.
10 had to come up with healthy goals for school and put down he’d run more and when I told him how impressed I was he said “yeah but since I don’t run at all if I start running even 2 sec a day it’ll count as more” and so now I’m dropping everything and redoing MY healthy goals.— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) January 8, 2020