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My mom thinks that when you let the kids play outside by themselves it's called "Free Balling" so we're just going to keep it that way.— Marl (@Marlebean) February 18, 2020
When my kids want to help with dinner I give them the important job of removing the batteries from all the smoke detectors.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 18, 2020
What is that smell?— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) February 17, 2020
- a parenting memoir
My 9-yr-old daughter is literally never right and yet I've literally never won an argument with her— Jonesy the Beautiful Idiot 🇨🇦 (@Jonesy_donkey) February 17, 2020
Co-worker: “You look tired”— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 20, 2020
Me, remembering at 2 am I had to explain to a crying 3 year old that just because it was snowing did not mean it was Christmas: “No idea why”
Was explaining to my kid’s how Friday nights everyone went to the video rental store to get tapes and how if you didn’t get there early enough the newest movies would be all gone and you try again next week and I’m pretty sure they think we lived in hell— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) February 20, 2020
A Comedy Central Roast but it’s just an hour of my 4yo following me around the house saying things like “daddy, you look like Cinderella.”— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 20, 2020
Apparently I’m the only person in my home who knows the recipe for ice cubes.— Mystical441 (@Mystical441) February 16, 2020
At lunch time my toddler asked me for more food. Right as I put her plate down with more food she said no thanks I'm done then I looked at her and said that's not for you and I sat down at the little table and started eating my food. The look of defeat on her face, priceless.— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) February 17, 2020
6: I wanna play my tablet— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 16, 2020
me: no u need to go outside. No electronics. You need to be active
6: but you're watching TV and on your phone in your pajamas for 2 days now!!!
me: WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT ME!
Don’t drink while you’re walking— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) February 20, 2020
-something you could say to a toddler and a drunk person
We tried to talk about puberty with our kids but my husband kept shortening it to pubes and now the kids won't speak to us.— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) February 19, 2020
“If you love something, let it go under the car seat and cry about it the whole way home.” - Kids— Becca Carnahan (@with_love_becca) February 15, 2020
3: what’s her name?— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) February 21, 2020
Me: whose name?
3: HER name
Me: *looking around* WHOOOOO?!
3: *starts crying*
Me: *starts crying*
Narrator: and she never did find out who “her” was...
Me: goodnight son I love you.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) February 20, 2020
3yo: I love you tube.
Me: aww...wait what?
3yo: youtube youtube youtube!
Me: okay then. *unplugs nightlight*
I’m really in the mood to cuddle my 3 year old. Gonna make it happen by pouring a hot drink and telling her not to touch me.— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) February 19, 2020
Me: *being lowered into my grave*— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 17, 2020
My kids: *throw laundry on top of my casket*
I never realized I'd need a strict "no breakfast before the sun comes up" policy, but here we are.— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) February 21, 2020