The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (Feb. 29-March 6)

5-year-old: I'm going to be so good tomorrow.

Me: What about today?

5: I have plans.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 1, 2020

Being the only butt wiper you child deems acceptable is both an honor and a curse.

— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) March 5, 2020

Me: Want anything special at the grocery store?
Child: No.
Me: Any snacks?
Child: No.
Me: Anything you want for dinners?
Child: No.
Me: Cereals?
Child: No.

[1 day later]

Child [rifling through cabinets]: We never have anything to eat.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 1, 2020

Me: why are your socks wet?

Toddler: sorry mommy

Me: WHY ARE YOUR SOCKS WET?

Toddler:

Me: WHY ARE THEY WET?

Toddler: I love you mommy

This is not good

— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) March 5, 2020

My favourite thing about watching movies with my 4YO is how she talks the entire time, then asks to pause it while she pees, so she doesn’t miss anything.

— Megan Rikas (@MegsHAUSTED) March 5, 2020

if my kids are ever called to testify against me, there are two equally likely scenerios

-they detail my crime in excruciating detail
-they incorrectly describe the plot of an episode of scooby doo

— Pats O' Tweetin ☘️ (@PatsATweetin) March 4, 2020

“We don’t wear what we slept in out in public.”
-Me, lying to my child

— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) March 3, 2020

6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 2, 2020

Sometimes I get the feeling that my family doesn’t really care about learning my fun facts.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 1, 2020

Watching the dogs lick up the kids food from the floor is the closest I get to feeling like a Disney princess

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) March 3, 2020

Someone asked me if I was concerned about getting the coronavirus.

“I was exposed to the germs my kids brought home from Chuck E. Cheese birthday parties. You can’t scare me.”

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 1, 2020

My kids: [pretending to bake] Here are some cookies for you, Papa!

Me: Aw, thanks guys-

My 4 year-old: We were going to throw them in the trash because they are gross but gave them to you instead.

Me: And there it is.

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 2, 2020

If saving a half eaten piece of bologna on your knee during kid bath time doesn’t describe parenting... I don’t know what does.

— Mummy Dear Go Bragh 🤦🏼♀️ ☘️ (@ThatMummyLife) March 5, 2020

Establish dominance by replying to your kid’s “Knock knock” joke with “Door’s open.”

— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) March 3, 2020

You know what would make parents feel more at ease about sitting in overcrowded bleachers at 7 AM on a Saturday? Blasting Eye of the Tiger.

~Youth Sports

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 2, 2020

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) March 5, 2020

Toddler: [wearing shampoo shield visor and full face snorkeling mask] MY EYES!!!!

Me: [hasn’t even begun to put tear free shampoo in his hair]

— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) March 4, 2020

People who spend 15 minutes with 3: Wow, she never stops talking huh? Isn't that adorable???

Me, who spends 24 hours a day with 3: OMG SHE NEVER STOPS TALKING, I'M LOSING MY MIND AND ALL I WANT IS SWEET SWEET SILENCE 😭😭😭😭

— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) March 5, 2020

My 5yo started calling me "your majesty" and this has been the promotion I've been waiting for.

— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) March 3, 2020