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They say we are the dominant species but a baby zebra can run within minutes of being born and I just saw my 2 year-old fall on his face while standing still.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) May 2, 2020
A pandemic is no excuse for excessive screen time. Study after study has shown that electronics are harmful to young minds. I’ve made the difficult decision to limit my children’s iPad use to no more than 14 hours a day and I hope you do the same.— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) May 3, 2020
Nobody cares more about proper hydration than a kid who’s just been kissed goodnight— Dad on my Feet (@dad_on_my_feet) May 5, 2020
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of spending quarantine binging Netflix we can tape balloons to our car and drive by some 7 year old’s house.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 2, 2020
4: I’m a big girl I use sharpers— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) May 6, 2020
Me: That’s great baby.... Wait. What.
3 asked for a popsicle but she had already had one, so I told her she could have one tomorrow. So she pretended to sleep and then opened her eyes and very matter of factly said, “it’s tomorrow, can I have the popsicle now?”— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) May 3, 2020
Not one single parenting book told me just how much energy it would take feigning interest in shit I couldn’t give two fucks about— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) May 2, 2020
I don’t know about you guys, but I’m super excited that it’s Teacher Appreciation Week.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) May 4, 2020
I’m going to get myself something fabulous.
being a parent is hearing your kids in their rooms and suddenly realizing that your own parents heard you talking all that shit in your room and just pretended like they didn’t— Shea Serrano (@SheaSerrano) May 4, 2020
Parenting hack: Encourage your children to practice their instruments by making important phone calls.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 4, 2020
10 laughed and made fun of me when he read "Goo Goo Dolls" as the band I was listening to.— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 5, 2020
So have kids if you wanna be bullied in the comfort of your own home.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 3, 2020
My son just sang, “Boat’s n’ Hoe’s” to his elderly choir teacher on zoom so I think that about wraps up homeschool for today.— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) May 6, 2020
That guy at the bar who laughs at all his own jokes that go on for way too long and thinks he’s way funnier than he is, but it’s my 5 year old.— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) May 1, 2020
Sometimes when my husband and I are singing to our daughter at bedtime I’m secretly like “shhhh I got this”.— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti) May 4, 2020
We’re all in this together? That’s so great to hear. My two year old just shit through our wicker patio furniture. See you in an hour, please bring a sponge.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 4, 2020
[car appreciation parade for child's teacher]— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 7, 2020
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
"Mom, have you lost weight?" is teenager for "I broke something really expensive that you don't know about yet."— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) May 4, 2020
My son asked me what does WiFi stand for & I told him it's named after its inventor William Filliam— joe heenan (@joeheenan) May 2, 2020
When you think about it “Clifford the Big Red Dog” is really more of a monster movie than a children’s book.— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) May 2, 2020
Me: I wish I could go back to a less stressful time— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 7, 2020
Husband: Like February?
Me: More like 8 years ago
7: Hey then you wouldn’t have any kids!!
Me: ᴵᵗ ʷᵃˢ ˢᵒ ᵖᵉᵃᶜᵉᶠᵘˡ
“YOU’RE ANNOYING THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF ME!” I said lovingly.— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) May 6, 2020
You spoiled brats with your flavored Cheerios. When I was a kid, Cheerios had one flavor...paper.— Shelbi (@therealsoulsoup) May 2, 2020
10: I had a dream last night that my molars switched places with my front teeth— Katie Didn't 🥜🧈 (@Pork_Chop_Hair) May 5, 2020
10: I’m scared
Me: well now I am too WTH