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My son missed curfew last night so as punishment I'm making him use the phone charger that only works if you angle the end of the cord just right— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 16, 2020
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) June 17, 2020
Me: what do you want for lunch?— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) June 16, 2020
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
[1 year into a voyage to Mars]— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 16, 2020
Kid: I forgot my shoes.
Whenever I drive now, I wonder how many of the cars I see are also people just driving around aimlessly to escape their families.— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 17, 2020
Me: Why do you look so sad?— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) June 18, 2020
3: *sigh* I just really love to eat
Me: Oh baby girl, me too...me too
My daughter just called a cemetery a person garden. I'm not even sure what she thinks is happening there.— Broken Puppet (@java_assassin) June 18, 2020
Having a third kid is like having a sixth drink. You're going to be miserable in the morning anyway, so why not?— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 16, 2020
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 13, 2020
It’s 5.30am.— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) June 15, 2020
Seriously, no one:
Not one living soul on the planet:
3 year old: Daddy, can you measure my feet?
Use your time wisely I tell my daughter, knowing full well I wasted an entire decade of my life watching MTV.— Felicia (@LostFelicia) June 16, 2020
The magical thing about toddlers is they can be mid tantrum and seamlessly cut to the best performance of the itsy bitsy spider you’ve ever seen.— Mummy Dear (@ThatMummyLife) June 16, 2020
6yo's class is interviewing the school mascot today for their daily zoom call and I am losing it— Kathryn VanArendonk (@kvanaren) June 16, 2020
"Do you sleep at the school?"
"Do you have lots of money?"
"Do you have a secret identity?"
"Are you Mrs Longo?"
I laboured for 7 hours and gave birth in a mask so I think the rest of you can wear one for like 10 minutes to go inside a store to grab a Jamba Juice or whatever you do— amil (@amil) June 17, 2020
My child now loudly corrects anyone who refers to them as a “girl” with”I’M A DINOSAUR” which frankly is all I wanted as a parent— Sady Doyle (@sadydoyle) June 17, 2020
Kids mispronouncing things is super adorable but at some point I will have to tell my daughter we don’t put Farmer John cheese on spaghetti.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 19, 2020
Me, before I had kids: My kids will EAT what I put in FRONT OF THEM!— ✊🏻✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿Ohio mom of two (@OhioMomoftwo) June 16, 2020
Me, this week: peeling the breading off of Wendy's chicken nuggets (because it's "too spicy") so the 3yo will eat it.
You learn. You change.
New neighbors moved in & asked if my son could go over & have a play date.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 15, 2020
Sure, I don’t know anything about you, but if you’re offering me a few hours of peace & quiet, he’s all yours.
My oldest said Nutflix instead of Netflix then he laughed and laughed until my youngest punched him in the crotch. Living with kids is literally like living with the dudes from Jackass.— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) June 18, 2020
If you like long, rambling stories without a point or context, then parenting might be right for you.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 19, 2020