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A typical cup holds about 8 ounces of liquid.— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) July 13, 2020
But if a child spills it, that number increases to 8 gallons.
My tween daughter is the only one among her group of friends who doesn’t have a phone. I know this because she tells me every 30 minutes.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 16, 2020
my toddler, yelling from the other room while I get her a snack: “I am LONELY and I want a BAGEL”— emery lord (@emerylord) July 15, 2020
[if I talked like my 5 year old]— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) July 17, 2020
Husband: Hey have you seen the spatula?
Me: No. Well yes. Cause there was a fly? And so I chased the fly but then it flew into the closet like the bad guy in Iron Man and on YouTube there was a FLYING TURTLE and my favorite turtle is Raphael and
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 16, 2020
miles' just said his longest sentence yet! "mommy I need you to move, please" ijhfudsfdkujodif (twitter doubles as my baby book)— chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) July 12, 2020
My 8yo slammed the junk drawer shut, threw her hands up, and asked, “What happened to all the tape?”— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 14, 2020
YOU happened, kid.
Was racing with my 4- and 6-year-olds in the house. 6-year-old started crying and said the 4-year-old pushed him into the wall.— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) July 13, 2020
I actually don't know who was at fault because they were both eating my dust.
I really think that one day when I wasn’t paying attention my two year old daughter took one of those Master Class sessions taught by a former FBI hostage negotiator.— Dan Pfeiffer (@danpfeiffer) July 15, 2020
Made the grievous mistake of laughing at my 5yo’s joke so now I must hear that joke repeatedly until I die.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 13, 2020
A cool thing about being a mom is that my husband teases the kids by showing them scary things and then I’m the one who gets woken up at 3am when they have nightmares.— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 16, 2020
6-year-old: I'm the best!— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 16, 2020
Me: At what?
6: I haven't decided yet.
The world is hers.
I traveled to Hawaii while pregnant with my first. I traveled to Las Vegas while pregnant with my second.— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) July 15, 2020
And that’s all you need to know about their personalities.
Wife: I'm going to have the kids clean up their rooms— The Dad (@thedad) July 17, 2020
Me: Alexa play the mission impossible soundtrack
Whaling, except it’s the noise I make when someone looks at my blubbery stomach and asks if I’m pregnant— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 15, 2020
Me: Oh my, you drew eyebrows on your forehead in permanent marker.— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) July 16, 2020
5: You look surprised.
Me: So do you.
If I’m going to play with the kids in the shallow end I will also need my handstand rated and underwater swimming timed.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 13, 2020
3yo: I need a new water cup. This one hurts me.— ✊🏻✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿Ohio mom of two (@OhioMomoftwo) July 16, 2020
Me: How does it hurt you?
3: It's too drinky.
Are you a sane person or do you have children?— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) July 11, 2020