Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Me: Guess what.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 22, 2020
8-year-old: No.
I didn't know that was an option.
My favorite part of summer is when my kids ask for the sprinkler and then I turn on the sprinkler and then they cry hysterically if they get wet from the sprinkler and then they yell at me to turn the sprinkler back on after I turn it off
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) July 21, 2020
Oh, you’re one of those parents with a bedtime routine as opposed to yelling GO TO BED from the couch every 10 minutes for 2 hours.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 20, 2020
I’d rather hear my toddler say the F-word than “Again!”
— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) July 24, 2020
You think you are in charge of your house until your kid gets out of bed and you panic and hide the ice cream you are eating.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 24, 2020
Me: What the hell am I going to do with my kids today?
— Hannah Grieco (@writesloud) July 20, 2020
My daughters: We're going down to the creek to make a movie about pants that are actually people.
Me: Oh. pic.twitter.com/YuDqni69KR
Last night I tucked my son in, kissed him goodnight and he hugged me and said "goodbye mommy" so I guess I won't be sleeping until he moves out.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) July 20, 2020
I don’t like to brag but I had 19 seconds earlier where none of my kids yelled, cried, peed on the floor or asked if we can adopt a pigeon and call it Peppa
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) July 21, 2020
[6 AM]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 23, 2020
Me: [sitting down on couch with first cup of coffee]
Child [coming out of bedroom]: good morn-
Me [pushing child back into bedroom]: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
Childless person: Here’s everything you’re doing wrong raising your child and if you do it any other way you’ve failed as a parent.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 22, 2020
Person with child: Are they alive? GOOD JOB!!!!!!!!
Showed my kid how a catapult works with a spoon and a pencil. He was impressed. My wife finding Mac and Cheese on the ceiling? Not so much.
— 🧙♂️Nostradumbass🧙♂️ (@The_Albinoshrek) July 22, 2020
I’m the Krazy Glue that holds my family together.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 22, 2020
I love that my 6 yr old enjoys watching Jeopardy even if she just announced she wants a Nano Knee brand knee replacement
— Molly Erdman (@erdmanmolly) July 21, 2020
Things I have tried:
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 19, 2020
-bribery
-begging
-negotiating
-rewards
-dark curtains
-threats to call Santa
-earlier bed time
-later bed time
-fewer snacks
-more snacks
-threats of violence against stuffed animals
Times my 4 year old has slept through the night as a result:
0
My son has a Thomas the Train bed and now I’ll never sleep again pic.twitter.com/ilvjY4LERs
— Nathan Thomas (@isosmrt) July 18, 2020
What’s the best way to apologize to your neighbors for the electric guitar song your son is writing called “Gotta Poop?”
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) July 24, 2020
So my daughter just told me that she checks my location on my phone in order to determine when she’s going to start on chores... and I feel some type of way.
— Momba (@TMikaMouse) July 19, 2020
My daughter on in-person learning:
— Stacey Hopkins (@staceyhopkinsga) July 22, 2020
"They couldn't keep the bathrooms clean; how are they going to disinfect the whole school daily?"
Me: I was thinking we could order ramen and watch a Miyazaki movie tonight since Gran’s not home for dinner
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 23, 2020
9yo: ok!
9yo: wait, you’re not going to order the spicy Korean ramen are you?
Me: probably
9yo: it’s just that ... with a Japanese movie
9yo: it kind of ruins the aesthetic
Probably the biggest gift I can give my grandkids one day is to just call me grandpa. Not poppy or pop-pop or pawpaw or peepaw or ploopaglurp. Just grandpa.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 22, 2020
Hey 13, put the glasses from your room in the dishwasher please
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) July 20, 2020
13: pic.twitter.com/TrIlDmD2xY
My two year old has named her new stuffed animal puppy "WOMAN"
— Meena Harris (@meenaharris) July 20, 2020
If I know little else about parenting, I know this:
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 19, 2020
a large cardboard box is the best way to keep your kid entertained.
if you have multiple kids I guarantee at least one of them will always choose "the one their sibling has" as their favorite popsicle flavor
— The Dad (@thedad) July 19, 2020