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No one is as obnoxiously well-behaved as a child whose sibling is getting yelled at.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 27, 2020
My email signature today is "A TEETHING, SCREAMING BABY IS ON MY LAP AND I TRULY DON'T KNOW HOW I'M DOING THIS, Bess Kalb"— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) July 27, 2020
My oldest just called the Big Dipper the Giant Scooper and I'm never correcting him.— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) July 28, 2020
buying desks and supplies to prepare for home schooling my kids while working full time this fall therefore I also bought ice cream and booze— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 25, 2020
Me: Can't chat now my love, I have a meeting.— Emily Dreyfuss (@EmilyDreyfuss) July 29, 2020
4yo: OK can I just tell you one quick thing? Does water last forever? And did you know that not all kangaroos carry their babies in their pouches? And what happens to me if you and Daddy die before I'm a grown up?
You gon send your kid to school with the Paw Patrol mask and he gon come home with a Spider Man mask because he made a trade at lunch. Whole school gon be shut down the next day.— Sprite 🐭 (@sodamom23) July 28, 2020
Husband took all the kids out so I had the house to myself for the first time in over 4 months and I made good of this time by eating snacks and staring at the wall followed by more snack-eating and wall-staring— MumInBits (@MumInBits) July 27, 2020
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) July 30, 2020
Her: did you have a relaxing vacation?— Celeste Yvonne (@andwhatamom) July 26, 2020
Me: What part of family camping trip do you not understand?
Important bedtime question from my 6-year-old...— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) July 29, 2020
In the underworld, how do you tell which skeleton is which? Do they have skeleton hair?
My son thinks the heart is in the stomach and calls vaginas “berginas” so I think he’s officially ready to start giving medical advice on Facebook— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) July 25, 2020
My 4yo asked me to get her a toy from her bedroom but I was busy so I told her she’d have to get it herself and she said, “I don’t have to, I’m sitting”.— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) July 28, 2020
So in case anybody’s interested, her webinar on living your best life will be out soon.
I once sprained my ankle at the park. My daughter asked me to push her on the swing, and I was like “I can’t walk” and she said, “Well, you could crawl!” And that’s everything you need to know about raising children.— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) July 26, 2020
Me: I’m worried I can’t handle another year of homeschooling my kids.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 26, 2020
Strangers on the Internet: Personally, I love my kids and want to spend every waking minute with them. Why did you even have kids, you utter failure of a mother???
As my husband & I finally joined the kids in the little inflatable pool we put on the deck, my 8 y.o. exclaimed, without a trace of sarcasm, “Oh good, now we can imitate the family having fun on the box!”— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) July 25, 2020
I was feeling super confident in my new pin-up inspired, red polka dot bathing suit ‘til my daughter asked, “mommy, why are you dressed like Minnie Mouse?”— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) July 28, 2020
Me: Go to bed.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 25, 2020
4-year-old: I have to tell you something first.
4: *explains eight seasons of SpongeBob*
If my kids were walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls, they’d find a way to do it without putting their iPads down.— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 27, 2020
Kids sure do have a lot of energy for people whose “arms are too tired” to empty the dishwasher.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 29, 2020
Today one of my conference calls was interrupted by one of my children, sobbing & hysterical.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) July 29, 2020
Her brother told her that her Barbies are getting divorced.
Some days I miss the office.
It’s fun when your kid’s favorite toy is always “the one that’s been missing for three years.”— The Dad (@thedad) July 26, 2020
Is it possible to raise latchkey kids even though you spend every waking second in the same 600 sq ft? Asking for my two children who are currently being raised by the Bumble Nums— amil (@amil) July 30, 2020
My kids don’t just refuse to admit when they’re tired, they deny the entire concept of tiredness.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 26, 2020
One day you’re a badass. The next you’re thanking a toddler for handing you a soggy cracker.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 27, 2020