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My teenager’s biggest fear is me sneezing in front of someone she knows.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 7, 2020
You don’t know sticky until you try to use your kid’s tablet— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) September 6, 2020
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 5, 2020
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Sorry I can't make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered "yes I don't"— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) September 6, 2020
I don’t wear white after labour day or on any other day of the year because I have small kids— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) September 5, 2020
Anyone ever get the urge to bust into your kids’ room, rip the PS4 out of the wall while they’re mid-match, throw it out into the street & run it over with your car multiple times?— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 7, 2020
No? Just me?
If you mean "cleaning the kids plates off by eating the rest of their nuggets and mac-n-cheese" then, yes, I do clean eating.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 8, 2020
4-year-old: I can't find my shoes.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 8, 2020
Me: Where's the last place you saw them?
4: My feet.
Instead of blowing up things for a gender reveal party, the parents to be should hand out wallets. If there’s a dollar inside, it’s a boy, if there’s 72 cents, it’s a girl— Professor Sarah Parcak (@indyfromspace) September 7, 2020
Recently my 4 yo has said she doesn’t like it when I work (because I’m away from her). I’ve explained that I work so she has food and clothes, and we should be grateful. Today she’s playing “work,” and I hear her telling her sister loudly: WE HAVE TO WORK TO KEEP FROM STARVING.— Meena Harris (@meenaharris) September 7, 2020
Shout out to AidanKaden’s mom who started a blog about the intricacies of quilting during quarantine but still can’t understand no cutting in the drop off line— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 8, 2020
I just gave the kids extra credit for helping carry my wine from the car to the house. Shutup, I'm the teacher now and it's fine. Everything's fine.— Divergent Mama (@divergentmama) August 31, 2020
My kids are my everything. I mean this literally--they've methodically broken all of my personal belongings over the past four and a half years.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 8, 2020
Me: [walking through front door]— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) September 9, 2020
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I'm all safe-
4: Why not?
I don't care if there's no trick or treat happening, I will be dressing up as the Mandalorian and the baby will be Baby Yoda all October.— Kwame Mbalia (@KSekouM) September 8, 2020
Last night, we were listening to Evanescence’s My Immortal and my 6 year old suddenly yells “SHE SOUNDS WORRIED WHAT HAPPENED DID A DUCK FALL OFF HER ROOF?”— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) September 6, 2020
And now I have many questions.
If there’s any bright side to the pandemic it’s knowing my son won’t be traumatized by having to country line dance with a classmate in the 5th grade like I was— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) September 7, 2020
Nothing brings a family together like switching off the WiFi.— 🥝Kracked Kiwi🥝 (@KrackedKiwi) September 5, 2020
My kids are picking on their dad for eating the entire pack of cookies that I actually ate and blamed him for.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 8, 2020
Sorry we’re late my 3yo decided he had to eat his soup with a fork— MumInBits (@MumInBits) September 8, 2020
FEAR IS THE MIND KILLER, BABY!!!!! I scream at my infant and toddler while watching the Dune trailer— amil (@amil) September 9, 2020
My almost-three-year-old daughter was in the shower with me— she grabbed a gob of my hair from the drain, looked at it in wonder and said “Wow... it’s so beautiful!”— Brooklyn Decker (@BrooklynDecker) September 6, 2020
Someone please remind me of this moment in 12 years when she’s calling me the C word.
I told my kid to put his toys in the toy box and he told me the entire house is a toy box. He’s not wrong.— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) September 7, 2020
Every mother has consumed that soggy, half-eaten cookie that’s been manhandled by a toddler because there’s literally no garbage can in sight.— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) September 6, 2020