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Started cutting my kids’ vitamins in half because I’m worried if they get too strong they will bully me even more— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) December 9, 2020
Hell hath no fury like my 4 year old screaming “ALEXA PLAY WHERE ARE YOU CHRISTMAS” as Alexa plays whatever random Christmas song she thinks 4 said.— 🎄♥️ Marissa 💚🎄 (@michimama75) December 7, 2020
Keeping the magic in Christmas by yelling “Don’t open that!” every time an Amazon box is delivered.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 9, 2020
My 5YO changed her favorite color to teal, now our four year investment in pink is worth zilch— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 10, 2020
*paper airplane buzzes my shoulder*— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) December 8, 2020
9yo: Sorry Daddy, I was aiming for your head
There's an old saying about raising kids: The days are long. The days are so, so damn long. I don't remember the rest.— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) December 10, 2020
My family and I have this really sweet holiday tradition where we receive everyone's photo cards, hang them up on the wall, and gather round to critique the shit out of them.— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 7, 2020
*watching Return of the Jedi*— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) December 10, 2020
4: how come Princess Leia’s the only one wearing a bathing suit?”
Not trying to brag or anything, but I found peace without even looking that hard. It was in my kids word search, but I’m fucking counting it.— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) December 5, 2020
Our Costco delivery came at 8am on a Saturday, and the delivery lady said “oh! Didn’t know if you’d be awake.” Lol! That’s the joke, friends! I’ve got three kids a dog and cat, I’ve been awake since 2006.— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) December 5, 2020
4yo: Mommy do you know who I love the best?— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) December 9, 2020
Me: No, who?
4: The pizza man
My toddler just asked if I could make the bath "more less cold" and I can't decide what's weirder: that it made sense to her or that it made sense to me.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) December 10, 2020
Marriage, before kids-— MumInBits (@MumInBits) December 6, 2020
Husband: I have to leave early tomorrow morning
Me: make sure you give me a kiss before you go
Marriage, 3 kids-
Husband: I have to leave early tomorrow morning
Me: if you wake me I’ll stab you in the eye
My kid had her checkup today and her pediatrician reassured me that her hearing is perfect. So my kid is really out here just choosing not to listen.— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) December 9, 2020
if my 4yo asks if something is poisonous, there's a 100% chance she has already put it in her mouth— Lil Bit of Holiday Cheer 🌈 (@LizerReal) December 7, 2020
My kid lost a tooth today, and all I’m saying is that it’s going to take a lot more than my 2020 pandemic Homer Simpson brain to remember to move the Elf on the Shelf and make Tooth Fairy magic happen all in the same night.— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) December 9, 2020
My toddler called the daycare provider a “fucking liar” and then blamed the bad language on me but in my defence my toddler is a fucking liar— Jonesy The Beautiful Idiot 🇨🇦 (@VikingJonesy) December 8, 2020
[loud crash]— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) December 8, 2020
parent twitter be like "poop smells bad fuck them kids i haven't slept" 100000 likes.— Dad That Writes ☕ (@dadthatwrites) December 10, 2020
There are 2 types of kids:— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) December 2, 2020
Kid 1 wants you to do everything for them no matter how easily they could do it on their own.
Kid 2 wants to do everything on their own and will undo whatever you just did so they can redo it themselves.
I have one of each. I also have a beer fridge.
Is there a support group for parents of children who don’t like cheese or are they just beyond saving?— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) December 9, 2020
My son woke me at 1 AM because “[his] throat won’t let [him] yawn” and then this morning asked me why I was still in bed “just sitting there” when he was hungry, and I’m not saying that anyone should feed their kids to rabid squirrels, I’m just saying I understand the notion— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) December 9, 2020
My kids are at that awkward Christmas age where they're too old for toys but too young for Beer of the Month Club.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 10, 2020
My SIL: Hey sweetie pie!— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) December 5, 2020
My 3 yo: What's sweetie pie?
SIL: It can be a name for someone you love!
SIL: You can call me sweetie pie!
3: I don't want to.
I got my daughter a dump truck toy today and she keeps sitting on it and pretending she’s pooping and I don’t know how I can possibly correct her when she’s technically not wrong...— Possum Kingdom 🖤 (@aissalanis) December 6, 2020