Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
By the age of 3, the average toddler has taken exactly 2 bites out of 372 bananas.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 29, 2020
Shout out to all the dads who got chore lists cleverly disguised as Home Depot gift cards for Christmas.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 27, 2020
I can’t wait for the day my 3 year old realises I can see his toys just fine when they’re not thrust within an inch of my eyeball
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) December 27, 2020
Me: Good morn-
— imagine the x-men cupid shuffling w/sentinels 😬 (@Steph_I_Will) December 28, 2020
5yo: pic.twitter.com/5HnhqOeW7V
My toddler learned the word "mine" so you all belong to her now.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) January 1, 2021
My son was just absolutely astonished to discover that people who were alive in the 70’s are still alive today.
— Breaking Dad🧅 (@erichwithach) December 29, 2020
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) December 30, 2020
Someone gave my 7yo a cake pop baking kit for Christmas. So anyway, she helped mix a few ingredients for 5 minutes and then I made cake pops.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 30, 2020
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) December 28, 2020
Nobody is more amused with themself than an 8 year old who successfully gave their parent bunny ears in a picture.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) December 27, 2020
My 2yo picked a heck of a time to start fake coughing all over the place
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) December 31, 2020
MY KID: can i have a snack?
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 31, 2020
ME: no, it’s lunch time
KID: but i’m not hungry
Does anyone have a trophy? My son cleaned up dog vomit and wants one.
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) January 1, 2021
My baby been watching peppa pig 🐷 and now Everytime she sees a wetpuddle she wants to stomp on top of it 😒😒That shit gets me so tight ! FuCkin up her uggs......Deum you peppa pig ...COUNT YOUR FUCKIN DAYS!🤬
— iamcardib (@iamcardib) December 28, 2020
Me: please help clear the table
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) December 31, 2020
5: When you’re dead will I get your stuff?
In a tragic turn of events, my 10 YO is currently suffering from a severe case of life-threatening boredom just days after opening a new Xbox, a telescope, 7 video games, a computer chair & countless books, games & puzzles for Christmas. Plz pray he pulls thru, y’all🥺
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) December 29, 2020
If my son doesn't stop reading over my shoulder while I'm tweeting, he's gonna accidentally discover he was adopted.
— Kracked Kiwi (@KrackedKiwi) December 29, 2020
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) December 31, 2020
It’s 4:52pm and my 4yo just said, “ughh, why isn’t it nighttime already?!” And just like that, she turned into a middle-aged mom of two.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) December 27, 2020
The only moods my kids have: pic.twitter.com/5gtVuknfiU
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) December 29, 2020
6-year-old: I wish I was a bird.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 28, 2020
Me: So you could fly?
6: So I could poop on things.
“Everything a child does is of God.”
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) December 29, 2020
My kids shit like hippos, Brenda, so I think my version of Heaven is very different from yours.
If toddlers were a cocktail:🍸
— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) December 27, 2020
2 oz: I don’t want anything for breakfast but I’m going to eat all of yours.
1 oz: GTF out of here with that red cup... I want the other red cup!
1.5 oz: Here, hold my booger.
Poor in a chilled glass. Enjoy.
If you want to feel a hundred years old, I HIGHLY recommend explaining to your kids what a TV Guide was, and how you got one in the Sunday paper.
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) December 27, 2020
Her: “All four of my children were chosen for the gifted and talented program at their schools.”
— Faux Ma (@Faux_Ma) January 1, 2021
Me: “Cool, I finally taught mine how to pick their noses in private rather than in public.”
