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By the age of 3, the average toddler has taken exactly 2 bites out of 372 bananas.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 29, 2020
Shout out to all the dads who got chore lists cleverly disguised as Home Depot gift cards for Christmas.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 27, 2020
I can’t wait for the day my 3 year old realises I can see his toys just fine when they’re not thrust within an inch of my eyeball— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) December 27, 2020
My toddler learned the word "mine" so you all belong to her now.— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) January 1, 2021
My son was just absolutely astonished to discover that people who were alive in the 70’s are still alive today.— Breaking Dad🧅 (@erichwithach) December 29, 2020
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) December 30, 2020
Someone gave my 7yo a cake pop baking kit for Christmas. So anyway, she helped mix a few ingredients for 5 minutes and then I made cake pops.— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 30, 2020
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) December 28, 2020
Nobody is more amused with themself than an 8 year old who successfully gave their parent bunny ears in a picture.— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) December 27, 2020
My 2yo picked a heck of a time to start fake coughing all over the place— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) December 31, 2020
MY KID: can i have a snack?— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 31, 2020
ME: no, it’s lunch time
KID: but i’m not hungry
Does anyone have a trophy? My son cleaned up dog vomit and wants one.— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) January 1, 2021
My baby been watching peppa pig 🐷 and now Everytime she sees a wetpuddle she wants to stomp on top of it 😒😒That shit gets me so tight ! FuCkin up her uggs......Deum you peppa pig ...COUNT YOUR FUCKIN DAYS!🤬— iamcardib (@iamcardib) December 28, 2020
Me: please help clear the table— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) December 31, 2020
5: When you’re dead will I get your stuff?
In a tragic turn of events, my 10 YO is currently suffering from a severe case of life-threatening boredom just days after opening a new Xbox, a telescope, 7 video games, a computer chair & countless books, games & puzzles for Christmas. Plz pray he pulls thru, y’all🥺— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) December 29, 2020
If my son doesn't stop reading over my shoulder while I'm tweeting, he's gonna accidentally discover he was adopted.— Kracked Kiwi (@KrackedKiwi) December 29, 2020
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) December 31, 2020
It’s 4:52pm and my 4yo just said, “ughh, why isn’t it nighttime already?!” And just like that, she turned into a middle-aged mom of two.— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) December 27, 2020
6-year-old: I wish I was a bird.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 28, 2020
Me: So you could fly?
6: So I could poop on things.
“Everything a child does is of God.”— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) December 29, 2020
My kids shit like hippos, Brenda, so I think my version of Heaven is very different from yours.
If toddlers were a cocktail:🍸— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) December 27, 2020
2 oz: I don’t want anything for breakfast but I’m going to eat all of yours.
1 oz: GTF out of here with that red cup... I want the other red cup!
1.5 oz: Here, hold my booger.
Poor in a chilled glass. Enjoy.
If you want to feel a hundred years old, I HIGHLY recommend explaining to your kids what a TV Guide was, and how you got one in the Sunday paper.— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) December 27, 2020
Her: “All four of my children were chosen for the gifted and talented program at their schools.”— Faux Ma (@Faux_Ma) January 1, 2021
Me: “Cool, I finally taught mine how to pick their noses in private rather than in public.”