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my 5 year old: i'm helping the baby to sleep.— Alice Lowe (@alicelowe) March 11, 2021
me: aw that's sweet.
5 year old: i'm keeping her warm.
me: ah that's lovely.
5 year old: i put a wig on her.
It’s finally my son’s birthday, after 364 days of me telling him it’s not his birthday.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 7, 2021
Playing hide and seek with my 2yo is fun because she just stands in the corner of the room covering her eyes with her hands and loudly announcing “I HIDING”— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) March 9, 2021
my daughter eating salad wit a salty face talking bout some “mmmmmmm.... grass 🥴”— Kehlani (@Kehlani) March 7, 2021
Hell hath no fury like a teenager who was kindly, gently asked by their loving parent, “Hey, how are you this morning?”— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) March 10, 2021
I asked 4 how pre school was and she said Violet shouted the word boobies so she had to sit in the quiet corner for 5 minutes but then she shouted it from the quiet corner and all the children laughed and Violet would definitely had been my best friend at pre school— MumInBits (@MumInBits) March 9, 2021
Without becoming a father, I would never have had the opportunity to not understand what the hell a child is saying but actually care.— The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) March 10, 2021
Anyone have the cheat codes to parenting a 3-year-old? This level is hard— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) March 10, 2021
Sorry we’re late our toddler spent 30 minutes with water in their mouth that they wouldn’t drink, spit out, or walk with.— lilswizzy (@MotherPlaylist) March 10, 2021
I don’t like my kid overhearing my work calls due to all the questionable language. No innocent child should be exposed to words like “action item” or “alignment.”— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 8, 2021
The daily struggle of folding laundry and holding up an item trying to figure out if it belongs to my 3 year old, my 4 year old, or my wife.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 10, 2021
Here's a math question: My daughters are fighting over a stupid babydoll. If I buy another, identical babydoll, then my girls will stop fighting, but they won't play with either babydoll. How many bottles of wine do I buy?— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) March 9, 2021
My kid asked me to share the M&Ms I was eating but I told her they were “adult” ones. She asked if they were filled with wine and I think that needs to happen STAT!— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) March 9, 2021
found the 12yo with campbells soup in each hand doing curls.— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) March 7, 2021
deadass looked me in the eye, “arm day bro”
my four year old prefers her eggs without the oak please take note— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 6, 2021
I’ll do a lot of things to make my children happy, but intentionally losing a game of Connect Four is not one of them.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) March 10, 2021
Yoga was invented by a toddler trying to poop.— Daisy (@Daisyldoo) March 9, 2021
My 6 year old: Mommy, I wish we had a puppy.— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) March 8, 2021
Me: I wish I was a little bit taller
Me: I wish I was a baller
Me: I wish I had a girl who looked good I would call her
Me: I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of happy hour after work we can pick the onions out of their meatloaf and get in a fight about 4th grade math.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 9, 2021
Having a tween boy during a pandemic is them asking why they have to brush their teeth since no one will smell their breath through their mask.— Jacalyn Wetzel (@Stopyellingmep2) March 11, 2021
My two young daughters are currently getting ready for school singing along to Queen...my husband is currently in the bathroom getting ready while listening to Louis Tomlinson. What.— Chrissie (@Go0nerette) March 9, 2021
Kidnapper: we have your wife— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) March 10, 2021
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!