Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
my two year old just said “mommy why is life the same every day?” like damn existential queen! u tell me
— Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) March 16, 2021
THE SHINING remains a hugely empathetic portrait of a guy trying to get some work done with a child around
— Adam Nayman (@brofromanother) March 13, 2021
How to bake with toddlers: Don’t
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) March 18, 2021
Parents telling each other how tired they are pic.twitter.com/zqWUD17Av1
— lilswizzy (@MotherPlaylist) March 16, 2021
Think my son finally figured out that I have no clue how to parent
— Trey (@treydayway) March 19, 2021
My baby's "hello" greeting is an open-mouth kiss that can only be described as "Drunk Mardi Gras Girl Thinks She's in Love."
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) March 18, 2021
childrens books are a mess 😩it will be like “mommy clomps into the kitchen in her high heels and bakes! daddy is funny!”
— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) March 17, 2021
Can we stop with the “terrible twos” and “threenagers” and “FML fours” and just admit that kids are dicks until they move out?
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) March 15, 2021
dads be like pic.twitter.com/UE1vDuDOER
— the thicc husband & father (@lukeisamazing) March 18, 2021
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) March 14, 2021
My favorite part of getting a child ready for school is when she says, "Oh yeah, it's Spirit Week and I need to dress like a giraffe today."
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 18, 2021
Welcome to parenthood. There are now lip-shaped imprints on all of your window panes.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 15, 2021
We’ve officially spent more time finding a name for our roomba than our second child
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 14, 2021
they say toddlers are too young to wear makeup, but hear me out pic.twitter.com/97IaHnwrDY
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) March 17, 2021
I’m sorry I missed your childhood, son. I was at the grocery store trying to get a clear plastic bag open without licking my fingers.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 14, 2021
4: whats a pussy nap
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 18, 2021
me: a WHAT
4: A PUSSY NAP
me: you meant a CAT nap? it’s a short nap
4: then why-
me: here’s your ipad that’s enough questions for today
My son told me he kept having hot flashes so he googled his symptoms to see what might be going on.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 14, 2021
Menopause. He said he has menopause.
My kid took off his wellies and snowsuit in one seamless move then left it all on the floor.
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) March 18, 2021
I walked in the room and almost went into cardiac arrest. pic.twitter.com/Dys1kx2NP3
My 3 year old always looks and then says, "what happened??" like he's witnessed some sort of calamity when the answer is usually just, "the wind is blowing."
— ☕New-ish Mom🍷 (@LifeThrewLemons) March 18, 2021
My 4yo called me a blob and I’ve never been more offended by an accurate description of me
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) March 18, 2021
Things that command kids attention, in order from strongest to weakest:
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) March 18, 2021
1. tv
2. airplane flying by
3. chocolate
4. anything they know they’re not supposed to play with
5. bubbles
6. dirt
7. their parent’s voice
friend without kids: I'm so BORED!!! I have absolutely nothing to do.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 17, 2021
me: fuck. you.
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