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my two year old just said “mommy why is life the same every day?” like damn existential queen! u tell me— Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) March 16, 2021
THE SHINING remains a hugely empathetic portrait of a guy trying to get some work done with a child around— Adam Nayman (@brofromanother) March 13, 2021
How to bake with toddlers: Don’t— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) March 18, 2021
Think my son finally figured out that I have no clue how to parent— Trey (@treydayway) March 19, 2021
My baby's "hello" greeting is an open-mouth kiss that can only be described as "Drunk Mardi Gras Girl Thinks She's in Love."— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) March 18, 2021
childrens books are a mess 😩it will be like “mommy clomps into the kitchen in her high heels and bakes! daddy is funny!”— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) March 17, 2021
Can we stop with the “terrible twos” and “threenagers” and “FML fours” and just admit that kids are dicks until they move out?— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) March 15, 2021
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie.— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) March 14, 2021
My favorite part of getting a child ready for school is when she says, "Oh yeah, it's Spirit Week and I need to dress like a giraffe today."— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 18, 2021
Welcome to parenthood. There are now lip-shaped imprints on all of your window panes.— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 15, 2021
We’ve officially spent more time finding a name for our roomba than our second child— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 14, 2021
I’m sorry I missed your childhood, son. I was at the grocery store trying to get a clear plastic bag open without licking my fingers.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 14, 2021
4: whats a pussy nap— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 18, 2021
me: a WHAT
4: A PUSSY NAP
me: you meant a CAT nap? it’s a short nap
4: then why-
me: here’s your ipad that’s enough questions for today
My son told me he kept having hot flashes so he googled his symptoms to see what might be going on.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 14, 2021
Menopause. He said he has menopause.
My 3 year old always looks and then says, "what happened??" like he's witnessed some sort of calamity when the answer is usually just, "the wind is blowing."— ☕New-ish Mom🍷 (@LifeThrewLemons) March 18, 2021
My 4yo called me a blob and I’ve never been more offended by an accurate description of me— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) March 18, 2021
Things that command kids attention, in order from strongest to weakest:— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) March 18, 2021
2. airplane flying by
4. anything they know they’re not supposed to play with
7. their parent’s voice
friend without kids: I'm so BORED!!! I have absolutely nothing to do.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 17, 2021
me: fuck. you.
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