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Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.— Faux Ma (@Faux_Ma) March 22, 2021
My 1-year-old is walking around pantsless carrying a jar of queso, and I know people eventually turn into their mother, but I didn’t expect it to be so soon.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 24, 2021
My 4 year old, listening to my heart beat with his toy stethoscope, says, "I have bad news for you. I'm pretty sure there are a ton of bats in there."— Jaime Berry (@jaime_berry3) March 24, 2021
Parenting books don’t prepare you for your teens hoarding all of your dishes & silverware in their bedrooms.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 23, 2021
ME: *exists*— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 25, 2021
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
My 5 year old: Mommy, I want to hear a song.— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) March 24, 2021
Me: What song, baby?
Her: The one with the girl and the music?
Me:...is...is that the hint? Sing some of it.
Her: dun dun dun dun dun and then she sings
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: WHY DON’T YOU KNOW THE SONG
Fuck them walls.— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) March 23, 2021
-A toddler with a sharpie
Toddler obsessed with Batman for six months. Buy all Batman gifts for birthday.— Satirical Mommy (@MommySatirical) March 23, 2021
Morning of birthday: toddler only likes Paw Patrol.
Just overheard the phrase, "pregnant with a baby," and secretly wondered what the other options were— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) March 25, 2021
I highly recommend my 5YO if anyone is looking to hire a leaf smuggler— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 23, 2021
That guy who found shrimp in his cereal has clearly never had breakfast with a toddler. Yesterday I had hot wheels in my oatmeal. Day before that it was batteries in the pancakes.— The Dad (@thedad) March 24, 2021
Somewhere there’s a parent, driving alone, stuck behind a slow moving truck and they’re thinking, “I don’t care how long this takes”— lilswizzy (@MotherPlaylist) March 23, 2021
No one:— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) March 25, 2021
Absolutely no one:
My 4yo: When I was in your tummy it was super gross in there
My son just told me that he LOVES the new toy trucks they got at daycare. They are his toy trucks. We donated them because he refused to play with them.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 26, 2021
Zoom teacher is giving shout outs, gushing about how special everyone is. My kid's kudos?— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) March 25, 2021
"Thank you for being...interesting, like when you added an alien into our pictures of spring"
when a child has a birthday i feel like the mother should be celebrated, so happy stretch mark making saggy boob making crotch tearing anniversary to me— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 25, 2021
Apparently yelling, “yasss queen” is not cool anymore and also I’m no longer allowed to talk in front of my daughter and her friends.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 22, 2021
thinking about adopting a highway once the kids move out. I’ve just got so much love to give— 🇨🇦SueCorvette🇨🇦 (@suecorvette) March 22, 2021
These movies have kids *obsessed* with playing marriage. We're trying to get our girls to be as excited about playing graduation by telling them that it's really fun and there's lots of cake!! 🙄— Meena Harris (@meenaharris) March 22, 2021
No one is more excited than a 4 year old who just heard the word “poop” and is about to unleash 10 minutes of poop improv jokes on everyone in the room.— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) March 24, 2021
4 just ripped his shirt off while in the sand box and declared it was a beach day. Now that's what I'm talking about.— Mom Meh (@mommeh_dearest) March 25, 2021
I actually think I’d be a good View host. Just saying the most deranged things but then crying a bit at the end of each segment about how much I love my kids so America still roots for me— amil (@amil) March 24, 2021
Have kids so you can argue about things like whether or not it is actually raining.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 26, 2021