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“Dad isn’t it weird that the word chicken can mean an animal or a type of food?”— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) March 29, 2021
- my kid, on the verge of making a horrific realization
We’ve been trying to teach 3 what to do in case of an emergency. Yesterday we tested her, "what would you do if you found me on the floor and you couldn’t wake me up?” I could see her little brain working. She finally said, “I would go into the kitchen and eat anything I want.”— 𝓜𝓸𝓶’𝓼 𝓸𝓾𝓽 𝓸𝓯 𝓸𝓻𝓭𝓮𝓻 (@Mamaoutoforder) March 28, 2021
My 4yo thinks “Proud Mary” was sung by Teeny Tiny and she will take no further questions on this— MumInBits (@MumInBits) April 1, 2021
My toddler has me so sleep deprived that when I stood up to flush after taking a piss and saw a cracker floating in the bowl, I didn't think 'oh, one of the kids threw a cracker in the toilet' I thought 'did I just piss a cracker?'— Amanda Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) March 29, 2021
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) April 1, 2021
Someone taught my 4 year old about April Fool’s Day and his idea of a trick was to dump a bowl of cornflakes on the floor and laugh at me— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) April 1, 2021
the best part about parenting is being woken up at 3 am by a four year old because they want to know if you’re awake— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 31, 2021
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 30, 2021
My child just pointed to an em dash in her book and said “what is that?” and HERE WE GO I’ve been preparing for this moment my whole life— Melissa Bowers (@MelissaBowers_) March 31, 2021
Made pancakes and changed the words in that song to “Why don’t you just meet me at the griddle” because being a dad is more than just wearing cargo shorts and white sneakers.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 27, 2021
11 was having the cutest hysterical giggling fit and when I asked her what was so funny all she could get out was “your face” in case anyone is waiting around for those precious moments that make parenting worthwhile.— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) March 29, 2021
Don’t argue with them; show your displeasure by making them a sandwich with end-bread.— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) March 31, 2021
What other people's kids say when sleeping in bunk beds: "I call top bunk!"— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 30, 2021
What my kids say: "It's over, Anakin! I have the high ground."
Me: How’s your foot, buddy?— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) March 28, 2021
4: It still hurts.
Me: What would help?
4: Maybe donuts? We need to try or we won’t know.
This kid gets it.
The thing about parenting young children is that you can never be 100% absolutely without doubt confident that your toothbrush was not dipped in the toilet.— Anecdotal Birthcontrol (@AnecdtlBrthCtrl) April 2, 2021
Reset password— Michael Vogel (@MichaelVogel1) March 8, 2021
Password is too long
I love Pony by Ginuwine. For me that song could always set the mood. Until my 5-year-old heard it on the radio & said the intro sounded like burping.— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) March 27, 2021
Kids ruin sex in so many ways.
me: you need to eat some peas— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 29, 2021
toddler: how many bites?
me: how about 5?
toddler: 5?!? how about 3?
me: how about 5?
toddler: how about 4?
me: how about 5?
toddler: how about 6?
me: you drive a hard bargain
My 3-year-old drew a family picture without her sister because she's mad at her. Her passive aggressive game is strong.— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) March 30, 2021
I take solace in the fact that my 10 month old baby has the physical strength of a 15 year old and only communicates in gutteral howls and so one day will avenge me in her rightful place as the Highlander— amil (@amil) March 31, 2021
All dads have a Fear of Missing Garbage Day.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 29, 2021
4: mom I want to listen to that spooky song— MichiMama 🐇 (@michimama75) April 2, 2021
4: SPOOKY SONG
Me: ...Uninvited by Alanis Morissette?
Moms love knowing the exact location of any item in the house unless it’s where her keys are in her purse.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 31, 2021
Our neighbor baked cookies and brought some over for us. My husband and me have not told the kids one word about them and we’ve just been quietly eating them. It’s been like an unspoken connection, and it feels like we’re dating again..— lilswizzy (@MotherPlaylist) March 31, 2021