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Who you are at your kid’s sporting events is the real you— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) April 18, 2021
got into an argument with my 4yo about whether the word "dragon" starts with a J or a D and now i'm just repeating the word "jragon" to myself wondering why it doesn't sound any different— Alix E. Harrow (@AlixEHarrow) April 20, 2021
If my son calls me “bruh” one more time, so help me god, I’ll grow out my mustache.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 22, 2021
Quotes from my two year old:— Melanie Lynskey (@melanielynskey) April 19, 2021
“In fact, I have feet”- on feet
“My beautiful brain!” -upon waking from a nap
“Awww! They so tired. And one is higher”- after seeing my breasts
Apparently when your children ask you why others let bad things happen, “because people are trash” is not the right answer.— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) April 18, 2021
My son saw me putting on concealer under my eyes and said, “why are you doing that?” I said, “It makes me look a bit younger and more awake.” He said, “But inside you’re old and tired?” And I said yep and he said “tricky!” with admiration— ally (@TragicAllyHere) April 22, 2021
6-year-old: What's for dinner?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 22, 2021
Me: Something delicious.
6: I thought you were cooking.
Me: these pants don’t quite fit.— Daisy (@Daisyldoo) April 18, 2021
5 yo: Are they too small for you? Is it because you are 31?
Blew my nose in front of my daughter and her friends today. Please respect her privacy during this difficult time.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 18, 2021
My kids went back to full-time school today and while I’m thrilled to have them out of the house, I’ll miss hearing my 2nd grader’s teacher yell “I’M ABOUT TO LOSE IT IF YOU GUYS DON’T PAY ATTENTION!” on Zoom and nodding to myself in solidarity.— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 19, 2021
Since my son knows everything what should I ask him?— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) April 20, 2021
I made my kids go through their toys to get rid of some, and long story short, they somehow have more toys than they began with.— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) April 17, 2021
A gym membership, but instead of doing a workout you take an uninterrupted nap.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 18, 2021
Excited to bond with my wife and tell her that her labor pains were nothing compared to my body ache from the second vaccine shot— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 22, 2021
I think I’ll tape this random thing to this random thing then cover it all in lots more tape then never touch it again— MumInBits (@MumInBits) April 19, 2021
- pre schoolers
If You Take a Mom to Target:— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) April 18, 2021
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
i think like all mothers, all earth probably wants on her day is for everyone to clean their shit up and stop leaving all the damn lights on— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) April 22, 2021
Wife [walking into kitchen]: DID YOU GIVE THE KIDS CAKE FOR DINNER?— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 19, 2021
Me [looking at the kids eating cake for dinner]: I feel like you already know the answer to this.
I don’t want to be invited out. I want you to invite the kids without me.— Satirical Mommy (@MommySatirical) April 20, 2021
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) April 21, 2021