The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (May 1-7)

Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.

Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) May 6, 2021

I want my son to write freely and creatively, but I also don’t want him using the word chillax in a paper about Julius Caesar.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 3, 2021

When your kid has yet to finish a puzzle & now it looks like the scene of a teddy bear murder pic.twitter.com/GKXzq0pW9h
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) May 5, 2021

My 4 year old successfully used chop sticks today. She’s never used them before. I’m confused but amazed LMAO
— Jayde Pierce (@JaydePierce) May 6, 2021

My 5 yo decided to count to 1000 in his head. It was the most peace I have had in years.
— Daisy (@Daisyldoo) May 3, 2021

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) May 6, 2021

When I was a kid, I stupidly stapled my fingertip to see what would happen.

This morning, my 8yo put one of those plastic bread bag clips on her lip and I knew my legacy would live on.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 3, 2021

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 2, 2021

Me: I don't know how making meals that all the kids will eat could get any more difficult.

Child: I am no longer eating any food that contains the letter "e."
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 3, 2021

Cleaning when you have a toddler is truly pointless.
— s e a r r a (@deadbitterbaby) May 6, 2021

My 4yo said wouldn’t it be funny if she was the queen and I was her servant and we both laughed and then I cried bc that’s my actual real life
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) May 5, 2021

My wife has introduced Play-Doh to our child and I just can’t think of a more reckless decision.
— Pat Cunnane (@PatCunnane) May 6, 2021

The way my kids take a bath they’ll never have a bad smelling tile on their bathroom floor
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 3, 2021

[taking a staycation]

Kids: are we there yet?
— Heatherhere 😷 (@Heatinblack) May 3, 2021

My youngest is really disappointed that Mother's Day is not named specifically for me and wants to know if it's because I'm "not a famous mom".
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) May 3, 2021

one day you’ll be at a playground watching your kids run around because they don’t need you to follow them around anymore and you’ll notice a mom running after a toddler with a baby in a carrier and you’ll cry for a moment because THANK FUCK THOSE DAYS ARE DONE
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) May 6, 2021

The other day my 5-year-old told me that when you’re in a car you’re outside but also inside and I can’t stop thinking about that.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 5, 2021

Having kids has turned my house into a junk drawer.
— 𝓜𝓸𝓶’𝓼 𝓸𝓾𝓽 𝓸𝓯 𝓸𝓻𝓭𝓮𝓻 (@Mamaoutoforder) May 4, 2021

12 yo: *bawling* mom I had a dream I was at your funeral you had been assassinated.

Me: Aw buddy you think I’m cool enough to be assassinated!
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) May 3, 2021

Can someone communicate to my family that for Mother’s Day I want to be the opposite of “feeling seen”
— lilswizzy (@MotherPlaylist) May 6, 2021

I try not to cook in days ending in ‘y’ but my kids are so needy
— Pricklepants Chalupa (@itsmebeegee07) May 6, 2021

This morning, to my children, I said “Fine! See if I ever birth you again!” And “I rue the day I ever pooped you out of my butthole.” I can’t wait to hear the feedback from their science teachers.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) May 2, 2021