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I pointed out a fire truck to my coworker on our drive, and I think I need to spend less time with my children.— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) May 25, 2021
*Before kids*— Andi (@smiles_and_nods) May 27, 2021
Kindergarten graduation is not a thing Brenda!
Down in front! I’m live streaming here!
Daughter now refusing fruit for breakfast saying she doesn’t “like sweet things in the bitter morning” so I guess it’s safe to say that 3rd grade is when reality first kicks in.— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) May 26, 2021
We have found the only existing compromise between enjoyable adult music and music our 3-year-old will listen to in the car and it is “early Beastie Boys.”— Jude Ellison S. Doyle (@sadydoyle) May 23, 2021
6-year-old: How many cookies can I have?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 22, 2021
6: Cookies like to be in pairs.
One time I faked died in front of Micah to see what he would do and he said “oh no, mummy died”. Then SAT ON MY HEAD and continued playing on his iPad. I taught him how to dial 999 that day.— Sarae🦋 (@LoveSarae) May 24, 2021
My 5yo is convinced that she has a super power.— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) May 26, 2021
The super power is that she can smell ants.
I said goodnight to 4 and when I left the room I heard her say to her teddies “mummy better not give me the wrong cereal bowl tomorrow”. I have no idea what the wrong cereal bowl is and now I fear for my life.— MumInBits (@MumInBits) May 25, 2021
Confucius:— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) May 22, 2021
It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.
Confucius [after having kids]:
We are going to be so fucking late.
I *just* saw an email from my kid's school that today was picture day so her grandparents better prepare for the worst when they get their wallet-sized this year— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) May 25, 2021
Dear Diary, this evening my 3 year old ate an entire slice of pizza like a normal child, instead of a raccoon discovering treasure in a garbage can.— ☕New-ish Mom🍷 (@LifeThrewLemons) May 24, 2021
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica— kim (@KimmyMonte) May 27, 2021
There are not enough Hallmark cards that say I told you so.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 26, 2021
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 25, 2021
I don’t understand how people are capable of living double lives I barely have the time or energy for the one life I live— yelisaSwizzy (@motherplaylist) May 24, 2021
Me: I’m going to make scrambled eggs and toast. Do you want some?— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) May 24, 2021
My 6-year-old: Ew! No! I only want toast......and maybe some eggs.
Me: So you want scrambled eggs and toast?
My 6-year-old: .......no.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime— meghan (@deloisivete) May 24, 2021
Have a preteen, so you can ask “did you remember deodorant?” Every day , only to be met with an indignant “I don’t stink!!!” as they stomp their stinky selves to the bathroom and put on deodorant .— Heather #BLM (@dishs_up) May 25, 2021
Your kid went from 5th grade to 6th grade. Settle down with the graduation parties.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 26, 2021
I remember the day my son was born, watching my wife struggle and triumph through child birth. I held my son for the fist time while the doctors went to work fixing up my wife and I just remember thinking, “yeah okay, maybe that really is worse than that cold I got last October.”— dADDisms (@Beagz) May 23, 2021