Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I pointed out a fire truck to my coworker on our drive, and I think I need to spend less time with my children.
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) May 25, 2021
*Before kids*
— Andi (@smiles_and_nods) May 27, 2021
Kindergarten graduation is not a thing Brenda!
*After kids*
Down in front! I’m live streaming here!
Daughter now refusing fruit for breakfast saying she doesn’t “like sweet things in the bitter morning” so I guess it’s safe to say that 3rd grade is when reality first kicks in.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) May 26, 2021
We have found the only existing compromise between enjoyable adult music and music our 3-year-old will listen to in the car and it is “early Beastie Boys.”
— Jude Ellison S. Doyle (@sadydoyle) May 23, 2021
6-year-old: How many cookies can I have?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 22, 2021
Me: One.
6: Cookies like to be in pairs.
One time I faked died in front of Micah to see what he would do and he said “oh no, mummy died”. Then SAT ON MY HEAD and continued playing on his iPad. I taught him how to dial 999 that day.
— Sarae🦋 (@LoveSarae) May 24, 2021
My 5yo is convinced that she has a super power.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) May 26, 2021
The super power is that she can smell ants.
Trying to get a baby’s passport picture is easier said than done. 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/FGoThY1oDK
— Double Ohh’ Seven🇧🇸 (@DoctorKemp007) May 24, 2021
I said goodnight to 4 and when I left the room I heard her say to her teddies “mummy better not give me the wrong cereal bowl tomorrow”. I have no idea what the wrong cereal bowl is and now I fear for my life.
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) May 25, 2021
Confucius:
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) May 22, 2021
It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.
Confucius [after having kids]:
We are going to be so fucking late.
Just thanked my son for putting these 12 grains of rice back in the fridge. pic.twitter.com/vWCOXFNT8W
— Moderna Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) May 26, 2021
I *just* saw an email from my kid's school that today was picture day so her grandparents better prepare for the worst when they get their wallet-sized this year
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) May 25, 2021
Dear Diary, this evening my 3 year old ate an entire slice of pizza like a normal child, instead of a raccoon discovering treasure in a garbage can.
— ☕New-ish Mom🍷 (@LifeThrewLemons) May 24, 2021
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
— kim (@KimmyMonte) May 27, 2021
There are not enough Hallmark cards that say I told you so.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 26, 2021
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 25, 2021
I don’t understand how people are capable of living double lives I barely have the time or energy for the one life I live
— yelisaSwizzy (@motherplaylist) May 24, 2021
Me: I’m going to make scrambled eggs and toast. Do you want some?
— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) May 24, 2021
My 6-year-old: Ew! No! I only want toast......and maybe some eggs.
Me: So you want scrambled eggs and toast?
My 6-year-old: .......no.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
— meghan (@deloisivete) May 24, 2021
Have a preteen, so you can ask “did you remember deodorant?” Every day , only to be met with an indignant “I don’t stink!!!” as they stomp their stinky selves to the bathroom and put on deodorant .
— Heather #BLM (@dishs_up) May 25, 2021
Your kid went from 5th grade to 6th grade. Settle down with the graduation parties.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 26, 2021
I remember the day my son was born, watching my wife struggle and triumph through child birth. I held my son for the fist time while the doctors went to work fixing up my wife and I just remember thinking, “yeah okay, maybe that really is worse than that cold I got last October.”
— dADDisms (@Beagz) May 23, 2021
