Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Dropping my daughter off at camp and she’s a little anxious. Told her to find the biggest camper and start a fight to establish dominance.
— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) June 27, 2021
10, every night at dinner: I won’t eat that.
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) July 1, 2021
10, on vacation at dinner: I’ll take the pan-seared branzino in lemon butter sauce with wild rice, thank you.
I love when I mention getting frustrated with my kids and someone’s like “have you tried TALKING to your kids?”
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) June 29, 2021
Omg thank you you visionary and here I’ve been communicating with fucking charades silly me
Trying to fall back to sleep after a near heart attack from what I thought was asleep paralysis demon but was actually my child staring me down in the dark whispering “mommy” until I woke up pic.twitter.com/NcNP1kaWoS
— i already twote it 👁 (@Steph_I_Will) June 28, 2021
My kids are playing grown-up. From what I can tell, it involves running around yelling "I'm late for work!" and going to the eye-dentist
— meghan (@deloisivete) June 28, 2021
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) June 28, 2021
My kid addressed my boyfriend as “big sexy beard man” and I felt like I should reprimand him for not being respectful but unfortunately I was laughing too hard
— andi zeisler (@andizeisler) July 1, 2021
my mom will put you in a coffin without even trying pic.twitter.com/ytUrfGOWYj
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 27, 2021
My toddler clapped while I was eating my second piece of cake and this is the encouragement that’s been missing from my life.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 26, 2021
We’ve officially spent more time planning our Disney vacation than we did naming our second child
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) June 30, 2021
My kids & I have spent A LOT of time at home this past year, so I'm looking forward to when we can safely travel again. They have never seen snow & I want to take them somewhere to experience it. I hope they will love it. Because then, I'll leave them there.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) June 29, 2021
Abs are short for Absolutely no way I’m going to see mine again after having kids
— Sweet Momissa 🪁 (@sweetmomissa) June 30, 2021
Imagine my son's excitement at having written something all by himself. Now imagine my wife's disappointment when she read it. Now imagine how fun it was for me to listen in on their conversation fully aware that he wrote the 'd' in 'dad' backwards. pic.twitter.com/Wlh0BT8Ai3
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 30, 2021
Told my kids to try to pack their own stuff for the cottage - so far each of them has packed like one shirt and eight stuffed animals….and my 5yo drew me a picture. Holyshit you guys it’s a good thing we don’t need to catch a flight.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) June 30, 2021
5: mom, you’re six years old
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) June 29, 2021
me: did you just count the wrinkles on my forehead like rings on a tree?
5: look! you just got older again!
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) June 28, 2021
On my death bed:
— The Nefarious A-Aron (@deeprocktees) June 30, 2021
Me: come closer children, I need to share a secret.
My kids: we’re here dad.
Me: write this down: put water in the ice tray and put ice tray in freezer overnight.
My kids: we know how to make ice, dad
Me: well, you had me fuckin’ fooled
5: mom can i have a lemon tongue?
— That Mom Tho 🏳️🌈 (@mom_tho) July 1, 2021
me: wut
5: for a snack?
me:
5: a baby orange!
me: omg. yes, you may have a clementine 💀
6's morning routine is he likes being the first one up. he sits on the couch with the dog staring at the wall. then he makes himself cereal. after he eats, he empties his part of the dishwasher. then he sits quietly with the dog until the loud ones wake up. i think he's 60
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 28, 2021
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 1, 2021
My fourteen-year-old keeps asking me for cash like it's 1982.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) June 28, 2021
Kids will straight-up knock something out of your hand and then ask "I wonder why you dropped that"
— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) June 28, 2021
My 9 yo daughter just thanked me for always cooking food and not letting her starve to death... it's the little things 🖤.
— C̣ạḷḷịọp̣ẹṂọọṇ🌙 (@gracefulwraith) July 1, 2021
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