Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Sorry I’m late, my baby threw up on my neck— Erin Ryan (@morninggloria) November 30, 2021
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) November 29, 2021
- a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
My daughter asked me how to begin her letter to Santa Claus so I suggested she start with, “Hear me out …”— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) November 29, 2021
My 2 yo daughter was singing “Row Row Row Your Boat” and ended it with “life is down the drain.” A goth toddler.— Kara Klenk (@karaklenk) November 27, 2021
the refrigerator beeped at me and i told it to "chill" and i think i'm a dad now— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) November 29, 2021
We put up our christmas tree today because we were running out of things to yell at the toddlers not to touch— Science Mom 🔬 (@EmSlyce) November 28, 2021
Gotta say, I didn’t realize how much parenting a toddler would involve watching, playing with, and talking about garbage trucks.— Jon Favreau (@jonfavs) November 28, 2021
telling my kids the elf on the shelf has been affected by travel bans— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) November 28, 2021
Having a baby really throws off my TV watching— Lauren Lapkus 🍰 (@laurenlapkus) November 26, 2021
I asked my daughter if she thought she had been in the bath long enough and she said “the water will tell me when it’s time to get out” so there ya have it— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) November 29, 2021
Parenting books didn’t warn me about trying to leave dance class with my 5 year old and losing her as she runs down the sidewalk of the strip of businesses and tries to bolt into the door of a marijuana dispensary, but here I am trying not to go to jail.— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) December 2, 2021
Me: You need to clean out the guinea pigs' cage.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2021
9-year-old: They make a mess all the time. You don't know what it's like.
Me: *looks directly at camera*
Dear Santa, just get my kids out of bed when I ask them the first time.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 2, 2021
“Can you imagine if your dad was Kanye and your step-dad was Pete Davidson?” - 13yo— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) December 1, 2021
6YO: In the country side I can see so many stars— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 1, 2021
Me: Want to move here?
6YO: Not until I’m ready to retire, so after 3rd grade
Ruin your teen's day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.— Marl Lalala lala la la (@Marlebean) December 2, 2021
Today, a spider bit my 4 y/o. Then, the spider couldn't find its 4 pairs of shoes & later demanded a grilled cheese with no crust.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) November 30, 2021
I have two children because that's about the number of names I can keep straight.— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) December 2, 2021
i believe i am the sole reason my kids teachers have to send out “friendly reminders”— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) November 29, 2021
A WAZE feature that adds 10 minutes to your arrival time to account for buckling your kids in their car seats.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) December 2, 2021
5yo: daddy why did you fart??— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) December 2, 2021
Dad: you see honey when a man loves a burrito very much…
7-year-old: Do you want me to retake my school picture?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 30, 2021
Me: Will you smile the second time?
I don't own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) December 1, 2021
If you’re wondering whether raising multiple young kids is for you, just know that we’ve had to institute a new house rule, “No playing with used toilet water,” because apparently it does NOT go without saying…— Michael Vogel (@MichaelVogel1) November 27, 2021